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Blessed

I sit here every night,
I no longer sleep,
just sit and think
lose myself in the memories,
travel back in time
to a time when I knew how to be happy,
stupid, little things
but they meant the everything to me
driving 170 miles every morning and night
just to spend an hour with a friend,
it was exhausting but so worth it
to hear him laugh, be able to make him smile
when our time was up, I'd rush back home
jump on the bed and pick up the phone
talk to him until I fell asleep
I think of what could have been
I was a flirt a bit of a tease
but god I was free, so damn happy
had no worries, no fears, only cried those happy tears

so many memories
though not all were good
I remember being on that highway in the black of night
scared and brave,
not caring if he pulled the trigger
no caring about the fucking gun,
was only worried about outsmarting him,
which I did
so fucking stupid
all the problems that followed
I played like a game
all the time determined to maintain my high score

I smile when I think of
all the proposals in the bar,
getting embarrassed running away to hide in my car,
couldn't leave because I'd thrown my keys at him

I was so lucky.

Dancing in the park, under the starlit night,
splashing in puddles out in the rain,
looking at the moon from the hood of my car
I was so happy,
times were easier way back when

I was never lonely
had plenty of friends,
was loved, wanted, needed, fought for

Why do I do this to myself,
seek comfort in memories so far gone,
why can't I be happy in the present and just move on?

I try to be
but it's met with much resistance,
I live vicariously through the girl who used to be me,
young, dumb, stupid, so much fun

Picking guys up out in the rain
I should have learned after Canada,
but even then I had to be pulled away,
he thanked me for the ride, gave me a kiss
and I gave my life away
walked away from my wedding
that was just three days away,
impulsive, wild
could have resisted if he wasn't so sexy when he smiled

Naked indians on the lawn
searching for aliens
that just never come,
mad dog 20/20 and penis contests
I could never do this shit now

Breaking and entering
searching for ghosts,
evil pranks
wreckless sex, nobody driving the car
I ca't believe me made it this far

Lying and stealing, committing perjury
sin after sin I racked up a few
all the "trouble" then
child's play compared to the problems of today,

I'm not delusional
there were serious problems too
all the secrets,
him not being there the night our "family" died
the night we lost everything,
claimed he was at work,
I know that was a lie
a week later to the day
him asking for a divorce
me wanting to die
begging, pleading but not ever letting him see me cry

I didn't know what wild was before,
I couldn't survive wild like that anymore,
I became a favorite at the bar,
never paid for a drink
partied endlessly with the dj
had to keep up appearances, couldn't let him see how much he had destroyed of me
was trying to be happy really so wrong

so many memories
but these replay the most
see them in my head
viewing them as if i were a ghost
I was blessed back then,
even with the bad
my life was magical

wrapped up in a blanket
cuddled up on his lap
sheltered from the snow
valentines day eskimos

no,no... back to reality
to life i must go
leave the past in the past,
learn to make the best of now
the only problem is I don't know how.
Written by anotherghost
Published
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