deepundergroundpoetry.com
If Only We Were Alive
You lived your hours as a fallen leaf,
Pinned by Panthera's flame.
You found your door and stumbled aware into darkness,
Your life, a momentary page inside the gun.
I glimpsed your stacks of crude-shelled magazines-
glossy-eyed angels made for a bed of pillows.
Remember how you smoked brows into crop circles,
How they flocked with merely a wink of a smile.
A billion agonies and stars dripping from your teeth,
jar of tarantula too.
I would have given everything to know where they lived,
Bellowing beneath your skin;
Removing them, one by one
But you would never have it;
And I loved you to the stain.
Published 14th Oct 2015
| Edited 15th Oct 2015
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Anonymous
- Edited 14th Oct 2015 4:01pm
14th Oct 2015 3:57pm
You're killing me, man. Seriously on the floor... *final gasp* "avenge my death! And make sure my hair straighteners are turned off!" *flat line*
Heh.
Ok, down to the nitty-gritty.
"Smoked brows into crop circles" - great image here. Not just a frown, but an almighty desperation here. Works very well with the creepy crawly spiders you got going on further down (8 legs. Count them)
The last five lines are an aching closer. Short and sweet, and hanging on a pivot of what if's. I love that the title is in it's own right, a question.
This is what I hope I will read when I make myself get out of bed in the morning.
Minor edits:
"Jars of tarantula" - tarantula needs an 's' to make it plural. You wouldn't have jars of a single tarantula.
"merely a wink of a smile.?" - do you need the full stop and the question mark?
"I would have givien everything" - spelling on 'given'.
Thanks for the read.
Heh.
Ok, down to the nitty-gritty.
"Smoked brows into crop circles" - great image here. Not just a frown, but an almighty desperation here. Works very well with the creepy crawly spiders you got going on further down (8 legs. Count them)
The last five lines are an aching closer. Short and sweet, and hanging on a pivot of what if's. I love that the title is in it's own right, a question.
This is what I hope I will read when I make myself get out of bed in the morning.
Minor edits:
"Jars of tarantula" - tarantula needs an 's' to make it plural. You wouldn't have jars of a single tarantula.
"merely a wink of a smile.?" - do you need the full stop and the question mark?
"I would have givien everything" - spelling on 'given'.
Thanks for the read.
There is a reason for the jar rather than jars but I had originally considered jaws instead but now ya got me thinking you're right...Yep, I saud it. Gotta love the editing..Thanks again, O Pale great goddess of the helm and hills...smiling as always.
14th Oct 2015 10:23pm
14th Sep 2016 11:31pm
Even in cander, one should follow ideas of grammar & format. Some intriguing thoughts in here. Much too much gibberish to sort through... Keep Grindin. CAOS737
