deepundergroundpoetry.com
paint you naked
it hasn’t rained in a month, but the late night streets
were slick with the sheen of my watered-down fantasies.
just the right mood for a lecherous affair.
she was a one-trick pick up in the last seedy bar that took
my markers. the scent of loneliness hung on her like drug
store cologne, & she was getting older by the one-night stand;
that made her an easy target for a night crawler like me.
a whiskey sour & a little suggestive dialogue I pilfered from
Mickey Spillane got us out if the bar, & a short cab ride
dropped us at a hotel uptown.
in the room, she lounged seductively on the bed’s chenille
cover, & I thought about how I could paint a Picasso across
the canvas of her naked body, using decadent pastels.
a little scarlet for lips that knew how to talk dirty & a lot of
blue for a broken heart. deep purple for all the nights she’d
spend alone. pearlescent tears that changed abruptly to
black liquid sorrow as they trickled down her cheeks.
sure, she’d be a work of art, decked out in a fancy frame, in
a classy museum. so elegant, she could almost forget she
was a tramp. almost.
when I shut off the light, we fell into each other with a hunger
that’s never satisfied: it only carves away a little more of our
souls. she never asked me my name, & it didn’t matter. every
dream she had was a stranger with rough hands.
after the sex, there would be no platitudes or promises. she’d
be gone in the morning, or I would. nobody wants to face their
sins in the accusing daylight…
Published 7th Oct 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 18
reading list entries 2
comments 15
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7th Oct 2015 2:42am
John I love your style you had me with these lines..
"a little scarlet for lips that knew how to talk dirty & a lot of
blue for a broken heart. deep purple for all the nights she’d
spend alone. pearlescent tears that changed abruptly to
black liquid sorrow as they trickled down her cheeks."
you could even paint this dark heart pretty with your poetry..
I love this..
love Crim
"a little scarlet for lips that knew how to talk dirty & a lot of
blue for a broken heart. deep purple for all the nights she’d
spend alone. pearlescent tears that changed abruptly to
black liquid sorrow as they trickled down her cheeks."
you could even paint this dark heart pretty with your poetry..
I love this..
love Crim
7th Oct 2015 3:19am
"Every dream she had was a stranger with rough hands"
Wow.
Few and far between are there lines that I fall in love with. This line I've fallen in love with.
I get so excited when I see your name in my updates with a new poem. So excellent.
Thanks,
Madi
Wow.
Few and far between are there lines that I fall in love with. This line I've fallen in love with.
I get so excited when I see your name in my updates with a new poem. So excellent.
Thanks,
Madi
7th Oct 2015 3:37am
"the scent of loneliness hung on her like drug
store cologne" wonderful!
"when I shut off the light, we fell into each other with a hunger
that’s never satisfied: it only carves away a little more of our
souls. she never asked me my name, & it didn’t matter. every
dream she had was a stranger with rough hands. "
This was my favorite verse. The unsatisfied feeling, but making the best attempt anyway. Really enjoyed this one JF.
store cologne" wonderful!
"when I shut off the light, we fell into each other with a hunger
that’s never satisfied: it only carves away a little more of our
souls. she never asked me my name, & it didn’t matter. every
dream she had was a stranger with rough hands. "
This was my favorite verse. The unsatisfied feeling, but making the best attempt anyway. Really enjoyed this one JF.
7th Oct 2015 11:37am
7th Oct 2015 3:58pm
This is the style of writing that I'm surprise I enjoyed. Perfect wording, makes you think, and in a way sad and lonesome.
"she’d
be gone in the morning, or I would. nobody wants to face their
sins in the accusing daylight"
That ending struck a cord. Excellent Write.
Darker.
"she’d
be gone in the morning, or I would. nobody wants to face their
sins in the accusing daylight"
That ending struck a cord. Excellent Write.
Darker.
Anonymous
- Edited 25th Sep 2020 3:45am
7th Oct 2015 4:01pm
<< post removed >>
7th Oct 2015 7:33pm
nobody wants to face their
sins in the accusing daylight…
Society would have us believe such. But what is greater love
than when two find solace within one another, even if for only
one night? It is the very contrast of such lonely solace that
enlightens our senses to the truth of what we want.
sins in the accusing daylight…
Society would have us believe such. But what is greater love
than when two find solace within one another, even if for only
one night? It is the very contrast of such lonely solace that
enlightens our senses to the truth of what we want.
7th Oct 2015 9:51pm
Life's a lot less complicated with one night stands. I'll take what I can get these days but my blue period continues. Enjoyed this John.
8th Oct 2015 1:11am
Anonymous
8th Oct 2015 6:06am
The daylight tends to betray what we were not meant to see in the night. . .an excellent observation for lovers of strange fruit. . .Enjoyed, King Noir. . .xo, Devlin/Doll.
9th Oct 2015 2:46pm
"& I thought about how I could paint a Picasso across
the canvas of her naked body, using decadent pastels. "
Can be done..
"when I shut off the light, we fell into each other with a hunger
that’s never satisfied: it only carves away a little more of our
souls. "
How fucking haunting darling.. to exist in such a state
of madness, there are so many caverns that lively
breathes inside of us.. .
Why can we not, take our time & share these?
touch them rather they hurt or not? from pain
comes what? hmm?
Ahh, we have learned to water our selves
down.. deduced beings!
How I despise waste my knight, we
must own them.. either way the good &
bad.. the holy & sin.. .
-Howlings
the canvas of her naked body, using decadent pastels. "
Can be done..
"when I shut off the light, we fell into each other with a hunger
that’s never satisfied: it only carves away a little more of our
souls. "
How fucking haunting darling.. to exist in such a state
of madness, there are so many caverns that lively
breathes inside of us.. .
Why can we not, take our time & share these?
touch them rather they hurt or not? from pain
comes what? hmm?
Ahh, we have learned to water our selves
down.. deduced beings!
How I despise waste my knight, we
must own them.. either way the good &
bad.. the holy & sin.. .
-Howlings
9th Oct 2015 5:11pm
Nice, especially fond of the last line--universal truth stated simply but effectively. Great ink!
There are flashes of brilliance here, like "older by the one-night stand", but it feels overwritten in a lot of places, whether it's stating the obvious, as in this line: "that made her an easy target for a night crawler like me", or using unnecessary adjectives, as in these phrases: "lounged seductively", "pearlescent tears", and "classy museum". Also, there's a touch of misogyny in lines calling her a tramp, and too little suggesting she's a thinking, feeling being.
Remember to show, not tell. You don't need to tell us she's a tramp who lounged seductively with pearlescent tears and belongs in a classy museum. All you need to say is that your narrator met her in a bar while looking for a one-night stand, she lounged on the sofa, shed pearly tears, and looked like a museum piece. Focus on what your narrator is seeing and feeling without the value judgements, and you'll get a sharper, finer poem.
I hope this helps! xxx
Remember to show, not tell. You don't need to tell us she's a tramp who lounged seductively with pearlescent tears and belongs in a classy museum. All you need to say is that your narrator met her in a bar while looking for a one-night stand, she lounged on the sofa, shed pearly tears, and looked like a museum piece. Focus on what your narrator is seeing and feeling without the value judgements, and you'll get a sharper, finer poem.
I hope this helps! xxx
9th Oct 2015 11:59pm
"slick with the sheen of my watered-down fantasies"... that's a night carved especially for the hard core dreamers.. Love the dark ambiance. - blue angel
24th Jul 2016 8:31am
