deepundergroundpoetry.com
Shooters
Every bullet was made by a mind
And every bullet was shot by a heart
And every bullet was hit or miss
And every bullet was in or out
And every shell changed something
And every shell was cold and hot
And every shell was smooth and rough
And the hands that held them
And the hands that fired them
And the eyes that saw them
And the bodies that felt them
Were distant no matter how close
Were shameful no matter how clothed
Were sorry no matter how righteous
Were wanting no matter how complete
And every bullet was shot by a heart
And every bullet was hit or miss
And every bullet was in or out
And every shell changed something
And every shell was cold and hot
And every shell was smooth and rough
And the hands that held them
And the hands that fired them
And the eyes that saw them
And the bodies that felt them
Were distant no matter how close
Were shameful no matter how clothed
Were sorry no matter how righteous
Were wanting no matter how complete
Published 2nd Oct 2015
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likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 2
reads 646
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
5th Oct 2015 7:18am
Way to break my heart, man. The way people disconnect from cause and effect, from origin and destination. As though the world could ever be separated into categories! As though one thing could be different from another. Long way of saying, true words spoken here! I dig your poetry.
I just got one small critique, which is that you broke the rhythm on the last line... because the word you wanted to use, 'complete', didn't fit in the pattern. The word 'changed' also breaks the pattern, but it can be more easily overlooked because it's in the middle. Nothing seals the power of a poem like a seriously strong last line.
I just got one small critique, which is that you broke the rhythm on the last line... because the word you wanted to use, 'complete', didn't fit in the pattern. The word 'changed' also breaks the pattern, but it can be more easily overlooked because it's in the middle. Nothing seals the power of a poem like a seriously strong last line.
24th Oct 2015 11:59am
I hope it broke gently, S followed by vowels; but so glad it touched something. Constructive feedback - hallelujah; thankyou dear.
