not again

the doors i have permitted to open
iridescent bubbles of saliva
hiccuping from her throat

the words fail me now
i cannot read anymore
seemingly cannot interest myself in anything

do you understand i want to worship you
why do you want to choke me
almost to death

do i have to do that
for you to love me

i am a cyborg
plugged into the World Brain

i've talked to so many of you
i can't help it
trolling those pages
every dance almost the same

the exchange of pictures
a seeming connection
through barely any words

then the particular fetish
mental garnering of props
and stages

i waited for you to get off for lunch
already the tryst confirmed within minutes
via cyberspace

your work where you watch over
a great machine which does the work for us

and today how my throat burns and hurts
as if i have come down with a horrible illness

my beautiful little girl
my sweet baby
telling her i love her
eaten away with love for her
telling her how beautiful she is

and her eyes dim  somewhat
as she says
she wishes she was that worthy
sans pounds
different eyes
nose
hair

as she reads the scarlet letter on the couch
asking questions
but i'm too fevered by you

i am so afraid
of what i've become
what i have let others do to me
how i've begun to think like them
to believe

as i know my daughter's lips
will be sealed round the edge of a bottle

and later i will cry and not be able to stop
i won't know what's right and wrong anymore
feel as if i understand nothing

as i make slideshows for brides and grooms
of their wedding days
things called love i don't understand anymore

just the other day
i met two old friends at the grocery
i was terrified
couldn't speak
had nothing to say
groping for words

and i have never known
feelings of such pain
and yearning
and emptiness

and i wonder if i should have mom
take me back to that place again
where they don't talk much
but give you new pills

and i still sit crying
whispering to silence
please help me
not again

because once you've opened a door
it will never close again