deepundergroundpoetry.com

The Price of Inspiration

I'm sitting in my room on a Wednesday night
Sitting at a messy desk covered in bottles and wrappers and empty notebooks because I have no inspiration
Sitting with my laptop open to pages and pages of other people’s creations and I wonder:
What to do, how to focus, when all I hear is the deafening silence of lonely people living contentedly behind closed bedroom doors
There is no broken household
There is no higher faith for me to believe in
The only things that draw their attention is lies and failures that you have to force yourself to commit just so someone will look at you
And one day the pain starts to go away
And it gets easier
It gets easier for you to fail
For you to forget whatever you’ve promised
And there is no more shame hounding you at night
There is no more guilt that comes with the lies that have been created just for the sake of having them come in to the light
And then comes the part where you forget what it was like before you started ruining your life
Where you start to get lazy and used to everything you think you’ve accomplished
Then comes the part where you start to lie to yourself
And you tell yourself everything’s going to turn out all right
You say that but then you never do a thing to change what’s happening
And then the fear builds up and it just keeps coming no matter what you say and the lies are the only thing letting you sleep at night
But you're stuck in this little world that you’ve created
And one day the guilt realizes it’s been missing and it comes back
And comes in waves, crashing down on whatever sense of security there is left in your life

I'm sitting in my room on a Wednesday night
Staring at a messy test covered in so much red it looks like blood to me
Sitting with my binder open to pages and pages of untouched homework and now
The attention I've been seeking is starting to find me
But this time, it’s focused on everything I haven’t accomplished
This little ploy to catch their eye is now something bigger than I could have ever imagined
And now I'm scared
So I tell them to leave, I scream for them to just leave me alone because I don’t want this anymore
I don’t want to fail anymore
I don’t want to lie to myself just to muffle the lies I've told other people
But I still don’t do anything about it

I'm sitting in my room on a Wednesday night
Sitting at a messy desk covered in bottles and wrappers and empty tissue boxes because my life depends in the lies I've told myself
Sitting with my laptop open to pages and pages of my terrified creation and I wonder:
When did I decide this was worth it?
Written by opalwings1002 (Livinginstoryland)
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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