Shattered (part 3: Indy)

When I went out
With some of my friends Friday Night, I
Bought so much shit that
I ran out of money.

Now I realize I Shouldn’t
Do this but I bought more
Cigarettes. I hoped my mom
Would not be
Able to smell it since she smokes too. Here
I feel like I’m in my element.

Don’t think about it.
“How was school today honey?”
I looked up at my mother
And forced a smile to my lips. “It Was
Fine.” Or complete Hell.
If you want me to be honest.

I got kicked down the
Stairs before lunch.
“Did you do well on that quiz you
Stayed away from us to study for?”  
“Yeah.” No. They laughed at me
When they saw my score. Bastards.

I’m kind of happy that
My parents Never
Ask too many questions.
Then I don’t have to stop
And think about excuses
As to why there are so many
Cuts covering my body.

But that’s another thing
When I look at my Scars
And see that they don’t
Go away. They Heal
Somewhat slow but when
I was little I would
Always say “You
Should never stop believing.” Keep
Thinking that they said.
But I can’t seem to stop Cutting.

I’m sorry that I may upset
You but this is my journal
And you’re the one that Picked
This up.

I found out that my best friend
Is gay now and it doesn’t bother
Me but The
Jocks will kill him if they find out
And when they do they
Will beat the living shit out of him
Like they did to me
Because we are both Faggots.

                         
I do not try to be so different
I didn’t realize it was
Such a sin
To think
And act
And dress
Differently than everyone else.

I had this crazy idea
That I wrote in a note to Jordan.
You may take a look…

     Have you ever had the strange feeling that you’re something that might not be acceptable in society or healthy in nature? I’m not talking about a certain fashion sense or strange ability...no I am speaking of something more. I feel like I have to do something but I cannot fulfill that task because it will kill someone. Sometimes I think about it so much that I eventually end up thinking about it to the point in which I can map the process out. I can smell the blood, hear the blood curdling screams and feel their nails tearing at my arms until I finally stop myself and put up the barrier that I once had. The barrier that disconnects me from other people. The one thing that keeps me from finally ending my pain and quenching the one thing that cannot be cheated. Death.
     Holding someone up against a wall, your forearm against their throat as your staring into their eyes. Fear is powerful. When you are holding that thing up against a wall, you are the only thing on its mind. And this...this feeling….is wonderful. It can drive you crazy. When you finally break from all of the damning thoughts and the mental war that is inside, that is the only time I ever feel completely relaxed. I am so sorry Jordan.

I cannot say it is not my fault
Because honestly it is since in
The time being, I can’t sleep my
Emotions form, overtaking me…
Swallowing my mind
Until I am finally alone
Again.

But other than I
Who else could be?
This cynical? I can’t
Be the only one who
Seems to find
The fault in everyone’s
Rotten, false perfection.

I am a liar.
How can I say such a thing?
When I can pick apart other
People and find their fears, and
Their ideas of what they aspire and
Try to be. The only thing I cannot stand
Is that I can only find them in strangers.
If I can find them in everyone else, than
Why can’t I fix myself?