deepundergroundpoetry.com
AGAINST THE GLASS
Hand down spine-
Shed the hidden-
And press yourself against the glass.
Tongue down neck-
Jugular addiction-
Then life spills on the glass.
She looks beautiful in red-
Tilted perception-
Find me underneath the stone,with her-
Buried with impressions-
Burned within our past.
Hand on gun-
Pressure swollen-
Shooting through this transparent barrier-
Teeth on flesh-
Eccentric addiction-
As she breaks through the glass.
The other nothing-
The next big empty-
The other side of the void.
The other endless-
The next forever-
The other side of the void...
Shed the hidden-
And press yourself against the glass.
Tongue down neck-
Jugular addiction-
Then life spills on the glass.
She looks beautiful in red-
Tilted perception-
Find me underneath the stone,with her-
Buried with impressions-
Burned within our past.
Hand on gun-
Pressure swollen-
Shooting through this transparent barrier-
Teeth on flesh-
Eccentric addiction-
As she breaks through the glass.
The other nothing-
The next big empty-
The other side of the void.
The other endless-
The next forever-
The other side of the void...
Published 28th Aug 2015
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Anonymous
28th Aug 2015 9:41am
I'll start off with what I like about this piece and then work my way down.
The imagery in this is very good. There's a sort of transcendental calmness about the piece, transporting the reader to another world within the words. There are also some interesting lines in this: Jugular addiction and tilted perception for example."Find me underneath the stone with her" is a great stand out line for me, and one that the whole poem pivots on. That could almost be a line that stood out all on its own, without the need for anything else to accompany it.
A few things I found from a constructive viewpoint:
L2 - "shed the hidden" - the word shed just sticks out like it has no place in the sentence. Might it be worth considering changing that to "shield the hidden" which would tie in with the rest of your glass /obstructions/ other world images?
Also the constant use of your '-' after each line (personally) I think detracts from the flow of the piece. It may be worth removing some of them to make a more streamline read.
All in all, an enjoyable read, mostly for the places it took my mind when I read it.
Thank you for posting :)
The imagery in this is very good. There's a sort of transcendental calmness about the piece, transporting the reader to another world within the words. There are also some interesting lines in this: Jugular addiction and tilted perception for example."Find me underneath the stone with her" is a great stand out line for me, and one that the whole poem pivots on. That could almost be a line that stood out all on its own, without the need for anything else to accompany it.
A few things I found from a constructive viewpoint:
L2 - "shed the hidden" - the word shed just sticks out like it has no place in the sentence. Might it be worth considering changing that to "shield the hidden" which would tie in with the rest of your glass /obstructions/ other world images?
Also the constant use of your '-' after each line (personally) I think detracts from the flow of the piece. It may be worth removing some of them to make a more streamline read.
All in all, an enjoyable read, mostly for the places it took my mind when I read it.
Thank you for posting :)
30th Aug 2015 6:41am
Thank you much for the read and the critique.I've recently stared putting the - after certain stanzas,and honestly don't really know why.I guess to try to keep the flow without periods or commas..The word shed,or a like word,must remain to keep the point of one shedding,or removing the hidden darkness we all have within us...The act of removing this is almost impossible,thus making the line so profound,IMO...But a synonym will be considered.Thank you again;)
