Acceptance, Confession and Good wishes

In all honesty, I'm not so different, even I hate who I am sometimes
I claim complete detachment and lack of emotion
But it's 12:53 pm and I'm still awake
After clambering out of the bed
Because I'd crumpled up
With my palms running across the top of my head
And my knees brought up to my chest
Utterly incapable of sleep because I'm just so fucking depressed
Gashes all over my wrist, forearm, biceps and breast
Struggling to speak coherently or take steady breaths
Yet forever “manning up” and stiffening my lips
Smiling even on my own like we were taught to do as kids
You know, us ever so reserved and stalwart brits
With all our pride and men should be men bullshit.
The loveless! Is love lost and soon to be love less
Yet I'm looking for reasons, answers, anything to explain what's happened
And of course there's always the chance this is all my fault
Caused by paranoia and distrust rising tumultuously
Even when not wholly lacking justification
The uncertainty combined with brief certainty
Permanently echoes within my mind
To an extent I highly doubt is considered “normal”
Not in a “he's emo, he's scene, he's a thug, he's not me” type way
More in the way that I haven't seen a doctor, councillor, psychiatrist, any medical staff what so ever, including dentists in years, just in case, y'know.. just in case they know.
I swear I throw worst tantrums than most children
But never to be seen, always in privacy, just for me, just with me
Often waiting for the blood loss to stifle my chaotic efforts
And then cleaning up, covering up and carrying on
As if the feelings had all just upped and vanished.
How is it that I can hate, dislike, find myself distant from society
Yet be at my strongest amongst them
It's a simple lie of happiness, which ultimately makes things worse.
To the closest, I lie of emptiness, I pretend I feel absolutely fuck all!
Just because I know how false that statement truly is
Sure I might lack a lot of empathy
Might have some homicidal thoughts
Even experiences with severe schizophrenia
Yet above everything
There is depression and suicidal urges
And they control me!!
I can't even pretend they don't anymore can I
It's as transparent as the watery remnants of blood I'm so used to
After bleeding myself until my body's just a clotted mesh
Which even the sharpest of blades merely slides along
While the remaining skin tightens, becoming tort
But I'd never wince to bend my arm
Maybe just wink to cover the harm
I'm a shadow to most in the street
Hah, with my stealth arm in it's secret binding sleeves
Such a bad ass kid right?
The vast majority think I am
Some sort of knife-wielding gang man
Born amongst drug deals and night fights
Pit bull captives in rooms locked tight
Mother fucking just any random guy
Well at least I'd saved a dog from a life beneath floorboards
And found myself more in tune with it than anything
That saved some of my conscience I'm sure.
What a great find, a simple canine, a rare breed known as a skye,
Hard to save but easy to call mine
Isn't that fucking anything.. no, it would be easier probably.
Stream of consciousness writing as always
Really it seems I'm fighting myself in all ways
Trying my best to conjure up anyway
Just to try and make all this go away
And have it go my, or at best, our way.
I've done a hell of a lot of what some would consider “evil” in my time
Look at some of my writing, you'll see what I mean
It's pretty damn obscene, especially when I've told my tales with such glee
But as hard as this is to explain
It all felt as if nothing at the time to me
Everything was already so dark and dead, black and barren
A grey world which seemed to fill with silhouettes everyday
And I'd never had something to care for besides a dog
So I didn't even understand the notion
Ha, I didn't understand the emotion
Turned into a bit of a commotion
To be honest really all this should say
Is even a monster has it's reasons
And I'm not one to bring them all up here
But I hate it now, I accept that at least
Through out the majority of my teen years
I desperately clung to the belief this was all just angst
Or hormones, the usual teenage crap
And that it would all be gone, no matter how bad it became
And I've said that every year, almost every day
But over the past two I've had to realise it
This isn't normal
And I'm sorry to the only one who ever got to know me
The one who brought with her emotion to show me
Someone I wanted to look after and protect
To make happy, love and always show respect
The love of my life, is all that I have left
And I've, well I've left
So who knows what happens next
I wouldn't want to guess
So even if you have done me wrong
I'm still sorry, and I do mean it..
I might seem, selfish, manipulative, cold and distant
It's never been intended
And I never pretended
I simply wish you all the best
Remember
Be Happy.

(You get the deal, draft, lacking punctuation or refinement, quite honestly this is how I prefer it, my humblest apologies)