deepundergroundpoetry.com
[ SciFi & Fantasy ] Fathers and Sons
One of these Things is not like the Others
None of these Others are from our own world
As each unnatural door
is created by mad Bishops
squared off with one another
on the board in undeclared war
fought with Science and Machines ...
... this bridge-building between universes
crisscrossing Presents into Pasts and Futures
opens wide the lid to Pandora's Box
Checkmated by paradox
sons of the Bishops
become no more
No more
( previous draft )
One of these Things is not like the Others
None of these Others are from our own world
As the occasional unnatural door
is created by mad Bishops
squared off with one another
in war undeclared on the board
fought with Science and Machines
the bridge building between universes
opens Pandora's Box
Checkmated by paradox
the sons of the Bishops are no more
No more
Published 19th Aug 2015
| Edited 12th Dec 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
20th Aug 2015 1:02am
Pandora's Box and paradox. . .such a great comparison. . .Enjoyed. . .xoxo, Devlin;)
24th May 2016 3:52pm
Methinks I know nothing really of what you speak, except there's chess in there somewhere, and the overall mood is very compelling in a sci fi dystopian kind of way. Plus I like paradoxes.
24th May 2016 4:18pm
This one dates back to my "TV Show theme song or intro challenge" last year. Inspired by the show "Fringe". Someday I'll get around to editing it into something more relatable to the average reader.
Okay, first let me just say as one who was forced upon a chess game by her father practically since birth, this is a Cloud Atlas of poetry, and crystal to me. Those first two lines are gold, and that space perfectly placed.
I've read it several times in attempts to suggest something to honor your request for critique...
I seem to stumble at 'occasional'. I feel like you want to emphasize the rarity (perhaps oppportunity or blessing) of such a door opening with the use of 'occassional'? Yet, the paradox has me stumped by using 'occassional'.
I wonder WHY only occasionally and not during every game? Or, were you trying to say that playing the game itself is only on occassion if you have someone to play with? I'd like to believe it has something to do with your father...perhaps rare opportunities to pkay together.
I ike the ambiguity of not knowing because it creates a vortex of imagination. However, the word itself, as much as the ambiguity, seems out of place, or overt when reading.
Perhaps it's because it precedes unnatural? Occasional unnatrual? Perhaps a simple comma after occasional would give pause for the flow on the tongue?
As the occasional, unnatural door
That reads much smoother for me.
Another I struggled with was 'undeclared'.
"in war undeclared on the board"
Perhaps a simple syntax exchange with war? "in undeclared war..." seems to flow much smoother. I had a subconscious thought when reading that line of the pawns sheltering royalty on the board. The old addage "s/he's just a pawn in their game", crossed my mind. Especially with your use of 'undeclared'...as it's typically royalty who declares it.
I would hyphenate bridge-building in this context.
War, undeclared or not, destroys future generations. And yet, not.
Ending with an echo fades it into silence. It's the honey pot, and it sweeeeetly lingers on the taste buds.
In closing, I would strongly suggest being very careful with your edits. While I understand your desire to convey meaning to the average reader, if you clarify too much, then you lose the ambiguity which allows the reader to expand their imagination.
Sometimes poetry is meant for certain people, like abstract art. One person thinks it's ridiculous and says their three-year-old can do it, while another sees the logic so clearly without reason.
Again, loved and related to it.
I've read it several times in attempts to suggest something to honor your request for critique...
I seem to stumble at 'occasional'. I feel like you want to emphasize the rarity (perhaps oppportunity or blessing) of such a door opening with the use of 'occassional'? Yet, the paradox has me stumped by using 'occassional'.
I wonder WHY only occasionally and not during every game? Or, were you trying to say that playing the game itself is only on occassion if you have someone to play with? I'd like to believe it has something to do with your father...perhaps rare opportunities to pkay together.
I ike the ambiguity of not knowing because it creates a vortex of imagination. However, the word itself, as much as the ambiguity, seems out of place, or overt when reading.
Perhaps it's because it precedes unnatural? Occasional unnatrual? Perhaps a simple comma after occasional would give pause for the flow on the tongue?
As the occasional, unnatural door
That reads much smoother for me.
Another I struggled with was 'undeclared'.
"in war undeclared on the board"
Perhaps a simple syntax exchange with war? "in undeclared war..." seems to flow much smoother. I had a subconscious thought when reading that line of the pawns sheltering royalty on the board. The old addage "s/he's just a pawn in their game", crossed my mind. Especially with your use of 'undeclared'...as it's typically royalty who declares it.
I would hyphenate bridge-building in this context.
War, undeclared or not, destroys future generations. And yet, not.
Ending with an echo fades it into silence. It's the honey pot, and it sweeeeetly lingers on the taste buds.
In closing, I would strongly suggest being very careful with your edits. While I understand your desire to convey meaning to the average reader, if you clarify too much, then you lose the ambiguity which allows the reader to expand their imagination.
Sometimes poetry is meant for certain people, like abstract art. One person thinks it's ridiculous and says their three-year-old can do it, while another sees the logic so clearly without reason.
Again, loved and related to it.
All suggestions heeded. "Occasional" was meant to convey more than one ( door ) over the course of time.
"each" will suffice for now until something more suitable comes along.
I added in a few more elements to put more emphasis on the creation of a "time" Paradox that could actually wipe out family members from existence.
As always, your extra 8 mile critique is as in invaluable as it is in-depth.
"each" will suffice for now until something more suitable comes along.
I added in a few more elements to put more emphasis on the creation of a "time" Paradox that could actually wipe out family members from existence.
As always, your extra 8 mile critique is as in invaluable as it is in-depth.
12th Mar 2017 4:22pm
LOL! You can't say you don't get your exercise!
That elemental addition certainly obliterated the physical aspect of family; however, also added an existential curve to the poem in general.
Dang it. Among other things, we ARE the pieces on the board of life. I underestimated the layers in this due to my own nostalgic and physical attribution via memory and association.
See, this is a mental note about your poetry. It's also a metaphor about how we, as humans, become distracted from the big picture by our personal experiences.
That elemental addition certainly obliterated the physical aspect of family; however, also added an existential curve to the poem in general.
Dang it. Among other things, we ARE the pieces on the board of life. I underestimated the layers in this due to my own nostalgic and physical attribution via memory and association.
See, this is a mental note about your poetry. It's also a metaphor about how we, as humans, become distracted from the big picture by our personal experiences.
