deepundergroundpoetry.com
Time
should be valued in every way,
each hour should be treasured,
make the most of your day,
each minute carefully measured.
you can not bring back,
what you had with the ones you loved,
only memories remain;cloud of black,
time is mostly misused and shoved.
time is sullen and so are we all,
as in the end we are snatched ,
regret remains also pain that will never fall,
time can never be patched.
not an extra hour time can spare,
if only time could stand still,
you must endeavour to value what is already there,
but time doesn't fall against our utmost will.
a pearl is precious and so is time,
can't be forwarded or to be in rewind,
is nothing we can reach to climb,
but is always something to keep in mind.
each hour should be treasured,
make the most of your day,
each minute carefully measured.
you can not bring back,
what you had with the ones you loved,
only memories remain;cloud of black,
time is mostly misused and shoved.
time is sullen and so are we all,
as in the end we are snatched ,
regret remains also pain that will never fall,
time can never be patched.
not an extra hour time can spare,
if only time could stand still,
you must endeavour to value what is already there,
but time doesn't fall against our utmost will.
a pearl is precious and so is time,
can't be forwarded or to be in rewind,
is nothing we can reach to climb,
but is always something to keep in mind.
Published 6th Jun 2011
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This to me is an example of why rhyming should be used sparingly. Too many times while reading this, I tripped over myself and had to start again. The flow of the poem is broken in many places and that really spoils it.
For example, the line "only memories remain in the cloud of black" is just simply too long. You'd be better off cutting out "in the", leaving "only memories remain; cloud of black". The meaning is still the same in my opinion, but you've now reduced the number of syllables and bettered the flow of the poem. That's the beauty of poetry, you need not write full and complete sentences, in fact it's often better that you don't.
Conversely, if you add syllables to the coupled rhyming line in the specific example I mentioned so, "you cant bring back" becomes "you can[not] bring back", you'll achieve better balance with your rhyming.
Your repetition of "time" in the poem is completely redundant given the title. It would seem to be very clear to the reader what the poem is about so there's no need to repeat it, unless you have specific reason to i.e. repeating "time" can give an illusion of time passing in the poem but only if done consistently, otherwise the randomness of it just loses that idea.
Overall, I'd be really wary of rhyming, if you're going to do it then you'd better do it well otherwise it totally kills your poem.
Hope this helps.
For example, the line "only memories remain in the cloud of black" is just simply too long. You'd be better off cutting out "in the", leaving "only memories remain; cloud of black". The meaning is still the same in my opinion, but you've now reduced the number of syllables and bettered the flow of the poem. That's the beauty of poetry, you need not write full and complete sentences, in fact it's often better that you don't.
Conversely, if you add syllables to the coupled rhyming line in the specific example I mentioned so, "you cant bring back" becomes "you can[not] bring back", you'll achieve better balance with your rhyming.
Your repetition of "time" in the poem is completely redundant given the title. It would seem to be very clear to the reader what the poem is about so there's no need to repeat it, unless you have specific reason to i.e. repeating "time" can give an illusion of time passing in the poem but only if done consistently, otherwise the randomness of it just loses that idea.
Overall, I'd be really wary of rhyming, if you're going to do it then you'd better do it well otherwise it totally kills your poem.
Hope this helps.
6th Jun 2011 5:30pm
Anonymous
6th Jun 2011 7:10pm
<< post removed >>
7th Jun 2011 3:58pm
