everything rippled

this is fucking bullshit. they warned me that this will come, but people are not aware that this is a constant stream of white noise. there is no good enough reason for me to feel like this, but i do anyway. i am unhealthily stubborn. deep down, every inch of my being is addicted to the mental abyss of fucked up thoughts and suffocating truths we just want to neglect and neglect and neglect, as we sink into the pit of distractions, distractions, distractions. i am going crazy and it is so fucking obvious but everyone just doesn’t have a fucking clue, and that is my fault, that is my fault because i make it look so fucking easy to handle the broken pieces of constant bullshit with care. i make it look like i am capable of holding the weight of every fucking problem and everything that is wrong with the world, i make it look normal enough because i do not want people standing around me with arms at the ready in case i fall, i don’t want people to feel the way i do, so i make it look like i am strong, when i am nothing but a liar who gets away with her wired state and constant fatigue. but i am not capable. i am not capable of holding even my own problems, therefore i am not capable of holding your problems, his problems, her problems, their problems, everyone’s fucking problems. i hear these words, familiar words, familiar feelings, everywhere, everyday, people trying so desperately to make this depression their own, when in reality, we all share the same fucking issues, we are all potential patients, we are all fuck ups. it never gets easier, it never gets better, and that’s just the fact. stop being so weak. stop being so frail. stop being so trusting. stop blaming, stop pointing fingers, stop being dramatic, stop judging, stop believing your own bullshit, stop challenging people you care about because they will never appreciate it, words fall as easy as rain, worth so little they aren’t even worth listening to anymore, because people will always choose their self pity over self reflection, because we are all time wasters, because we are all pretentious, because everything alive will die eventually, because some days, everything is a fucking lie.

i cannot decide if this is bearable. i cannot decide if this is acceptable. this limbo is killing me. this limbo is killing me. i don’t want to be here, right now, feeling wrong and unparalleled. i cannot breathe, i want to rip my skin off and hang them to dry and i want to dissolve, i want to dissolve into the air and sink into the floorboards, crawl up the walls, seep through the windows, i want to fucking vanish. i want to fucking vanish. i want to fucking vanish like airplanes and children and lighters and people you love. i want my mind to fucking die.

i don’t want to exist in your world. i don’t want to exist in anyone else’s world anymore.