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deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Ravenous Dancer With an Effort
As he entered
Through the nearly open gate
He stumbled upon a shadow figure
With colored candles lit
To catch an easy glimpse—
Incenses of white sage and opium
On each side—
There the figure reveals deeply,
A female in Goth form,
Black curly hair
Eye shadows
Dark lipstick
Black and blood-red bra—
A skinny weight body
Decorated with jewelry
Of sterling silver
Of sparkling flowers
Pentagrams
Inverted crosses—
Completed with fishnets
On arms and legs
And tall lace-up combat boots
She raises her fishnet arms in the air
With skull silvery rings shining
As she begins to shake
Her arms and legs
As percussion and wind music play
Beyond the background,
A cunning attempt to lure
The wanderer further inside
She makes a gesture to him,
A gesture to come closer,
Mesmerized, he follows through
As she herself dances
Towards him
Clutching him by the arm,
Rubbing his chest
As she continues to move her feet
In every rhythm
She winks and presents a sexy smile
Until the wanderer realizes
He is hard between the legs
Feeling incredibly horny—
He brings his hands
Desperately to her breasts
And she reacts with satisfaction
Moaning and moaning
Till she whispers,
“Put me on that bed,
Get on top of me,
Remove these panties of mine.”
Hungry for intimacy
She licks her lips
Influencing him to obey her wishes
As she is stripped
He crawls on top
Stroking down her belly
With her sigh of “Oh yeah”—
She makes her way
To the top of him
Kissing and licking
Along his chest
Till he now sticks his cock inside—
Harder and rougher they fucked
Until he felt himself squirting
While she got wet
And came with all might—
With convenience
She traps him down
Like a prisoner
And bites him
Out of want and lust—
Eternally shall he be kept
In her lair of a forever young—
Will they then ever soon enough
Ever bathe together and evermore?
Through the nearly open gate
He stumbled upon a shadow figure
With colored candles lit
To catch an easy glimpse—
Incenses of white sage and opium
On each side—
There the figure reveals deeply,
A female in Goth form,
Black curly hair
Eye shadows
Dark lipstick
Black and blood-red bra—
A skinny weight body
Decorated with jewelry
Of sterling silver
Of sparkling flowers
Pentagrams
Inverted crosses—
Completed with fishnets
On arms and legs
And tall lace-up combat boots
She raises her fishnet arms in the air
With skull silvery rings shining
As she begins to shake
Her arms and legs
As percussion and wind music play
Beyond the background,
A cunning attempt to lure
The wanderer further inside
She makes a gesture to him,
A gesture to come closer,
Mesmerized, he follows through
As she herself dances
Towards him
Clutching him by the arm,
Rubbing his chest
As she continues to move her feet
In every rhythm
She winks and presents a sexy smile
Until the wanderer realizes
He is hard between the legs
Feeling incredibly horny—
He brings his hands
Desperately to her breasts
And she reacts with satisfaction
Moaning and moaning
Till she whispers,
“Put me on that bed,
Get on top of me,
Remove these panties of mine.”
Hungry for intimacy
She licks her lips
Influencing him to obey her wishes
As she is stripped
He crawls on top
Stroking down her belly
With her sigh of “Oh yeah”—
She makes her way
To the top of him
Kissing and licking
Along his chest
Till he now sticks his cock inside—
Harder and rougher they fucked
Until he felt himself squirting
While she got wet
And came with all might—
With convenience
She traps him down
Like a prisoner
And bites him
Out of want and lust—
Eternally shall he be kept
In her lair of a forever young—
Will they then ever soon enough
Ever bathe together and evermore?
Published 4th Aug 2015
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The author encourages honest critique.
12th Aug 2015 9:24pm
I appreciate how you set the scene, but I think a few tweaks to your word choice in a few areas might make this more of a sensual piece than simply a sexual one.
For "A skinny weight body" - Did you know skinny can be thought of as "thin, scrawny, scraggy, bony, angular, rawboned, hollow-cheeked, gaunt, as thin as a rake, skin-and-bones, sticklike, emaciated, waiflike, skeletal, pinched, undernourished, underfed;" Her other features don't strike me as being this way.
Perhaps "lithe" (agile, graceful, supple, limber, lithesome, loose-limbed, nimble, deft, flexible, lissome, slender, slim, willowy) or "slender" ((of a person or part of the body) gracefully thin; slim, lean, willowy, sylphlike, svelte, lissome, graceful;) would be better choices. Lithe form or slender form.
"Cock," "fucked," and "squirting" seem crude and inelegant. I would suggest using a thesaurus for more sensual sounding words.
I'm not saying any of this to bash your work or make you feel bad, but to offer constructive criticism to help give your work a more artistic and sensual feel. Unless you're going for crude, but it didn't seem so with the way you originally began setting the scene.
For "A skinny weight body" - Did you know skinny can be thought of as "thin, scrawny, scraggy, bony, angular, rawboned, hollow-cheeked, gaunt, as thin as a rake, skin-and-bones, sticklike, emaciated, waiflike, skeletal, pinched, undernourished, underfed;" Her other features don't strike me as being this way.
Perhaps "lithe" (agile, graceful, supple, limber, lithesome, loose-limbed, nimble, deft, flexible, lissome, slender, slim, willowy) or "slender" ((of a person or part of the body) gracefully thin; slim, lean, willowy, sylphlike, svelte, lissome, graceful;) would be better choices. Lithe form or slender form.
"Cock," "fucked," and "squirting" seem crude and inelegant. I would suggest using a thesaurus for more sensual sounding words.
I'm not saying any of this to bash your work or make you feel bad, but to offer constructive criticism to help give your work a more artistic and sensual feel. Unless you're going for crude, but it didn't seem so with the way you originally began setting the scene.
Honestly it was my intention to make it sexual from all that flowed within my mind. And I do what I can for an expansion of words. Some of them actually did look familiar. I appreciate you for reading this and using honest critique. It helps a lot.
