Crumbling

There is truly nothing for me
Even where I thought
I could maybe get it most
I was wrong
I am in need of too much help
And I feel like
My world is crumbling before my eyes
I can't get it together
I just want to go home
And back to familiarity
Where the wreckage isn't so noticeable
And where I can cope better than this

I am a walking mess
Breaking at random times
Anywhere I can find
To get away, I do
Five seconds or five minutes
The result is the same
I'm not any better off
Maybe just enough to get me through
Though barely
Because I doubt myself often
The threat is ever looming
And it won't leave

It's killing me
And I don't want to be me anymore
At least tonight
Not right now
I just want out of myself
I want to escape my own head
And I want to run far from this heart
I don't want any part of these emotions
Air is becoming too hard for me to inhale
I have no interest in breathing
When the exhale hurts just as much

Sharp pains in my chest
Every time I step
No matter the direction
Why must I keep walking?
I'd rather be left alone
To drown in this sorrow
Where my heart can be submerged
Proper release served
So I don't have to be on the verge
Of completely breaking down
I wish I could cry myself to sleep
But I can't
I cry myself awake instead
And so I face my days with dread

This is so slow, drawn out
Dragging on, dragging me with it
And I'm falling down fast
How am I surviving?
I really have no idea
All the help I need
Is not here
All the help I want
I can't receive
Everything I could use
Can't be found
Everything I could ask for
Isn't here for me anymore
I remember when days would seem
Like I'd be okay and like it wouldn't be far away
And so, I never imagined losing it
Or not having it at least close
But it appears to be gone
Lost, somehow

Does it still exist beneath the fragments
Or am I a fool to quest for it still
How could something once so natural
Vanish with such speed?
I don't understand it
I just want to comprehend
How this is possible
How this is happening
I know it's normal to want comfort
But I don't need it
I feel like an idiot
For wanting it this much
When I can and will survive without
I hate this

Trails of remnants left behind
Of smiles that were once alive
Make me want to follow
But I don't know where they'll lead
I'm scared but it's a need
To know, to try
In the meantime
I can't release these tears
Unleash these feelings
I'm dying to let go
And dying because I can't!
I have to keep my cool
And do my best
Not to cry
As I sit and wonder why
Less than ideal circumstances have to be part of life
I just can't let myself cry