feel for youselves

hullo Lady

well now, marvelous stuff. first stanza : has a great pace right up until alone in the night, the next three lines, i dunno, I think maybe the pace change is a little abrupt.

maybe if you adjusted the line breaks to compliment the preceding ones:

i need to fly
alone in the night  
but your body
and your brain
will ask me to stay
 
you should keep me away  <- I think that's one of those power lines which punch harder when they're on their own

I think the rhyme scheme works well, which is hard enough to pull off

all in, it's a great offering. fair play



I'm glad to see you back, Miss.

 

  

Thank you, L.

It's lovely just to have the time these days let alone the proficiency. Thank you for the feedback. I have made the adjustments, you were right! Also I didn't like the double repeat of 'to fly' hope the change, seen above, was a suitable replacement.

I'm kinda resonating with Craic on this one. However, in my own experience of the read I think the last two lines kinda hold it back. It could easily finish on "this is the bomb" and have it pack an incredible punch. I also like the juxtaposition of the line "I feel like a thief in the night" - maybe it's because the line is nearly always "coming like a thief in the night", but your replacing of actions for senses is a beautiful interlude, suggesting that there's more than meets the eye on how you intend to get to wherever you're going with the write. Ties in beautifully with the echo of the title, also. Rhyme scheme really adds a fluid feel to the words, which is quite hard to maintain sometimes, but you have sewn that in effortlessly here. Nice little thinker, this one. Thanks for the read.

I always feel terribly embarrassed with rhyming poems, they have their place I suppose. To me they can come off with a lack of feeling. I tried it however and it seems ok, on the re-read months on. Thank you for your feedback. I think I agree, I will edit this based upon suggestion. Thanks again!