the word and verse and go fuck yourself….we're sorry to say - April 2015 edition
Right so let's be honest here, it's been a long time between drinks/sober moments/interventions. The last time the word and verse was in the house there was still a perfectly good policy of "No Irish Mods" in place, and all the old, good, and good old members were still Members Upstanding. They were the days, the fucking days we tell you, when DU members were men and women of fine calibre, like rocks, like godly salty rocks of salty godly goodness, all of them….except Hemi, because he left then came back, so frankly he can fuck off. We play a hard line around here, and people who come back aren't welcome. Even people who haven't left yet, but are planning too, even those types make the word and verse sick…you sons of no-commitment bitches. Also, welcome back to any of you who were brave enough to leave and never come back. We'll leave it at that.
Second thing is, the word and verse would like to apologise. We'd like to apologise for not being here, for not providing guidance. We'd most like to apologise to the religious geniuses among you who, for so long, have had to deal with the cuts and blows of atheists and hebrews and any other kind of loveless pitiless ISIS-raising rabble. The word and verse salute your efforts to bring your words of strict adherence to outdated and monotheistic bubblegumgods and place them front and central in the defecated minds of the people who need you the most. The word and verse is here to help. If even one son of a bitch demands any kind of voice of reason, the word and verse personally swears to do them harm all the way up to their necks…if you see what we mean.
On the subject of apologies, the word and verse would also like to apologise to Evanalmighty of the Giant Jackets. For those who missed it, the poor sweet dear Evanosaurus Flex started a thread to point out his glaring inadequacies, but as luck would have it, only three posts later his self esteem was restored to his usual levels of insufferable….and then the thread turned into a veritable wank-fest of people rushing to go off topic, giving absolutely shit advice and generally not giving even one fuck about what Evan the Red had originally said. It was awful, and the word and verse felt terrible about it all, especially the funny bits.
It is at this moment, three paragraphs in, that we feel we need to offer a sincere apology to the DU mods, who, with such grace, have faced the tough task of censoring the DU to keep it seemly enough to truly earn the title of the deep underground PG. Swearing…not fucking here, mate…not on this underground PG, no sir, not this deep deepunderground. And as for self harm, well, let's just say the mods did a fine job of cutting that out, of hacking that topic to the bone, of murdering anyone who dared to talk about cutting. The word and verse would like to thank the mods for their stirling work, and remind anyone who is thinking about writing about cutting that they had better cut it out. Why cry over slit milk? Seriously now, thank you, and we apologise, and everyone cut out all the cutting. It's a bleeding disgrace.
There are many other things that the word and verse need to apologise for; Commenting. We apologise for poem comments. We are sorry if your feeling got hurt. We are sorry if you got replied to, ignored, slandered, slated, raped, rated or repeated. We are sorry if you got plagiarised, pitied, pithed, parodied or pissed on. We are sorry if the comments on your poem were better than your poem. In our day we wrote such good comments people would reading list a poem just to keep the record alive forever. It turned us on. It was three layers deep. We plagiarised and parodied just to keep it real. We were real, but then we weren't, and then poets started writing comments like "Wow". It was a paradigm shift. Now, you yourself have to read a comment like that and find the truth behind it, work how you were slandered in just the tone and undertone of those three letters. It's diabolical, and clever, and a red herring, and we apologise for it. Hell, we apologise for it and we admire it, all in one. If you got a comment on one of your poems, could understand it, and then got pissed off and started a thread based on your experiences, on which everyone jumped in, got off topic and ignored what your point was, then we love you. But stop cutting yourself, and don't come crying to us.
Other things Spring to mind, but it's Autumn, so what's the point?
A shoutout here to all the newbies. At last count we had 24 million people on the DU, although we apologise to have to point out that most of those are just the same 15 people, all with slightly less than 2 million avatars each, all dancing on the head of a DU pin. Pin number….which is 3489. It is no coincidence that this number is the entry code to Madame Lavendont's Emporium of carnal desires and erotic arts, and for that we apologise, but not as hard as Case82 does, because he has been typing it into her keypad for years, immune to her put downs, pot shots, cum shots or hip hops. It's a medical thing, and Case82 has a dose of it, and we at the word and verse apologise, mostly for even bringing it up.
There has been some movement of late of the most unusual kind, movement that only a bowel cleanse would understand. There, was, for instance, a sighting of the late, great, late Ray of the Choo Choo trains. It is no exaggeration to say that he was the greatest of the great on here once, so offensive, so mangled in mindset and mind frame and spaceframe that the Mods had a special code for him, and they made no apologies. One outburst from Ray, usually a spray of pictures of animalion genitalia, one outburst of such common sense, and Ray would be hung, drawn, drowned, hung up and hung low like a chinaman. He was a phenomenon. A plethora. A thesaurus of things that could be described using other words. He was the shit, and last week, give or take, he cruised through the DU, looking only for controversy and a fag to chew on, but alas and alack, his kind of DU was no more. It was a thing more restrained, more retrained, and he moved on, like a herd of whelkbison leaving the snowy meadows after the winter harvest. It was beautiful. It smelled like wet hair. We apologise.
There is so much more, oh, god, soooo much more. The next thing the word and verse feels compelled to apologise for is the searing and stirring investigation in to whether something is, or was, or might be, 'up' with the DU. In this 12 pages of epic forum threading there was so much cut and thrust, so much wanton and insightful comment and reflection that the solution was unavoidable: there is nothing wrong with the DU, because there was never anything right with it. All comers said so, in far more words than were needed. During the thread Deathproof Von Drunk-Guy slandered mostly himself and was dead right, the Madame serving lavender defended the honour of the Mods and it was unwarranted, and all the while the Jeststarlezzy flirted with the only guy in town who just won't leave, but we've apologised for that already and god knows she likes her men, so we'll say no more about it. In some parts of the thread real emotion was faked. Some writers felt that the older members were old members, and some felt the younger people had far to much of not enough to say. The thread ended with a telling piece of rhyme on the state of the Drama Lhama. It was terrible, 12 pages of terrible. Absolute shit. And we apologise.
To lighten the mood, here is a quick apology for the idea of a poetry masterclass. We apologise that no one had the bare-faced vanity to step up and lord about the place with pointed barbs of sparkling wit and skill to earn the monicker 'Master'. It coulda shoulda been great, like a kind of monument to masturbation, a great cathedral of praise by the faint. It never got going, We miss it still, and we apologise.
A brief apology also for the thread on the Mayweather/Paquiao fight, mostly for the poets who keyboard-warrioered their opinions in to the DU ether, but never bet an actual dollar on the outcome, proving once and for all that poets are the most hard, most fearless, most ruthless and cold-bloodedly prepared-to-die-for-their-ideas bunch of very-short-attention-span writers on this immediately and easily accessible, english speaking, and free, part of the internet. Salute. For the record, the word and verse also apologises for Paquiao beating the shit out of Flossed Wontweather, who'll fade like true love from a working girl...or a DU mod….
And then there comes the time to apologise for that most underfed thread of all, the meagre six pages on "can you define poetry?". What we got was 6 pages of people mostly saying no, with still others saying yes but then failing too, and of course that one poet who copied some shit off wikipedia then laughed like hell and said he was testing us after we busted his arse for plagiarising, which is exactly the way plagiarists do it, and is still the go-to method. For the record, for all you persons of interest who couldn't do it when it mattered, poetry is an attempt to make art using the medium of the written or spoken word. Embarrassing how easy that was, and I think you can all agree we owe you an apology.
And now it's that time of the evening where we apologise for the apologists, for the dearly departed; the johnrotbegone. the milkmoonmilker (who pulled a hemi and returned after re-leaving). Roachmillignant. the doggess minerva….and anyone one else we've forgotten that we forgot, and again, apologies all 'round.
We think that's about it, in this instalment of apologies. There was so much to say, so many new faces to lament, so many others gone well after their time. We wish you had stayed, if you did decide to leave, and for you who remain, you really shouldn't have, and for that, if anything, we think you bloody well owe us an apology.