[2015] The Tale of Nobodys Perfect

Born in a part of France called Oswego
It was a difficult birth because he had a big ego
As you will later see
Nobodys Perfect was all about Mine! Mine! Mine!
And Me! Me! Me!
Despite being a preemie with the tiniest of bodies
He did grow and grow and grow
Although
He could not know he would not grow
Apart from his slightly smarter twin brother
Who was called Prewfreeder The Slow
Because he was dumb baby back then
Wearing a diaper until nine or ten
And was not called Nobodys In The Know

Instead
As already somewhat but not really suggested
He was called Nobodys Perfect for a reason
Not after his father who was called Ted
A deserter of the French Foriegn Legion
His mother who was called Rose
Living somewhere nearby in the region
Discovered him running from the law
For having committed treason
She hid Ted with the mop and broom
Kept him neatly covered and closeted
And had him hidden like this all season
Until she ended up having him in the tiny room
As in having had him sexually in a romantic liason

Frowning upon his uneducated parents
Obviously called the Perfects
Who in order to pay rents
Had to write checks
Take in the occasional border
With little choice but to constantly work
Though not necessarily in that order
Nobodys grew up to be a total jerk!
Spending his days flaming poets in Internet forums
While his friend who was called Ranger Rick
Did nothing but troll, LOL and lurk
Likewise a complete and utter dick
Then one day during their daily circle jerk
They put their thick heads together
Thinking they could make a plan work
To inherit the Perfects' life's work
And spent the day jerking in circles
Working on ironing out every detail and quirk

Not much planning went into the plan they had planned
It involved Ted and Rose being frying panned!
To be carried out whilst the Sandman sprinkled his sand
As his mother and father slept still and quiet
In bed while the bedroom door was left unmanned
Which would take every ounce of Nobody's strength
And courage he could command
To splatter his parents' brains all over the room
Into a jelly like substance that could be canned
Similar to jam in a jar
While still the bedroom door was ajar
The frying pan shaking in his trembling hand

In the end
When the hour arrived
And it was time to execute the tail end of the plan
Our two villains had contrived
Which entailed executing Rose and Ted
In the manner they connived
Ranger Rick overreacted
Having a vision of being caught in the act
Committing the actual crime
They actually agreed upon in their pact
As the cast iron supper ware was held high
Rick faked a cramp in his upper thigh
Backing away slowly from the lowly Perfects
Who were then about to die
However
Nobodys was just as chicken shit
Yet so very sly
He feigned an irritable bowel fit
And then it had become readily apparent
That in the perfect scheme they failed to enact
Not a single parent would ever be hit

Laying down the smack
About what came after the glitch
In what was planned now shitcanned
Need for a plan B to switch
Both our villians were busted
Neither could be trusted to follow through
With the plan that fell apart at the seams
And seems certain to be adjusted
To guarantee an easy life free of work they lusted after
Resulting from the smacking of Rose
And not just Ted

It never did occur to our villains
Who were severely dense indeed
As murder plot upon plot
They tried further to devise
The only thing they would have got
Was the deed to a doublewide burial plot
Not because Ted was chunky
Or due to Rose being flabby
Rather they could only afford
To be buried together in one spot
Otherwise
The family station wagon was junky
And the furniture was quite shabby and shot

Our duo of knuckleheads
Badly in dire need of a few brains
Were destined to be poor forever more
Like the working class folks they despise
Lying sadly amongst yucky bed stains
On beds they had made for themselves
Having to table their schemes
Put these away onto storage shelves
Along with being wealthy enough to retire
And other such pipe dreams
So much for the Perfect crime
As trolling the Internet all day it seems
Did not pay a fucking dime