Confusion

I asked my mom to give me a pet, so why is she touching my leg?
I bake cookies, but instead of flour, I use cocaine like a man.
When I see a fat man with breasts, I can’t help but stare at his nipples.
They stare back, piercing my eyes. They don’t blink of course. He should wax sometime.
You can take a pee and not poop, but you can’t poop and not take a pee.
I almost cried during the Notebook, but coughed and yelled testosterone.
My son and I played tic-tac-toe. The pen was blood and canvas my wrist.
When Mario eats shrooms and jumps on people, it is acceptable.
My grandma hates looking so old so I tattooed Miley’s face on hers.
I know in an airport I can’t yell bomb, so I’ll just mention it here.