deepundergroundpoetry.com
My pride and joy
tucked beneath sheets of fabled warmth
are hummed melodies
like harrowing ghosts of giggles
come out to gambol and frolic
on the black heart of insomnia
silent as sighs before kisses
the pillows crusted shell
still hides the sheen of sweat and salty tears
left over from nights
when the nudity of wide eyed whispers
had no match in beauty
the thumb that struck velvet
within the dimple of a smiling cheek
is trapped in the depths
between the threads of empty covers
and the ear
that basked in the glow of hushed tones
is pressed to a pillow
always
missing that fragrant shade of heat
pride abandoned in deserted sheets
demands it's pound of flesh
do you only think of her when your lonely
or is the caress of her loving thoughts
the only thing worth pining for?
are hummed melodies
like harrowing ghosts of giggles
come out to gambol and frolic
on the black heart of insomnia
silent as sighs before kisses
the pillows crusted shell
still hides the sheen of sweat and salty tears
left over from nights
when the nudity of wide eyed whispers
had no match in beauty
the thumb that struck velvet
within the dimple of a smiling cheek
is trapped in the depths
between the threads of empty covers
and the ear
that basked in the glow of hushed tones
is pressed to a pillow
always
missing that fragrant shade of heat
pride abandoned in deserted sheets
demands it's pound of flesh
do you only think of her when your lonely
or is the caress of her loving thoughts
the only thing worth pining for?
Published 27th Mar 2015
| Edited 1st Apr 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 2
comments 5
reads 954
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
27th Mar 2015 6:02am
Super smooth, DM, and subtle too, the last two stanzas are especially cool, [nods to Carmen] "demands its pound of flesh".
No changes needed, only offer to edit a few lines.
"is trapped in the depths
between the threads of empty sheets
and the ear
that basked in the glow of hushed tones *
pressed to a pillow *
always
missing that fragrant shade of heat
pride abandoned in deserted sheets
demands its pound of flesh *
do you only think of her when you're lonely *
or is the caress of her loving thoughts
the only thing worth pining for?"
No changes needed, only offer to edit a few lines.
"is trapped in the depths
between the threads of empty sheets
and the ear
that basked in the glow of hushed tones *
pressed to a pillow *
always
missing that fragrant shade of heat
pride abandoned in deserted sheets
demands its pound of flesh *
do you only think of her when you're lonely *
or is the caress of her loving thoughts
the only thing worth pining for?"
27th Mar 2015 11:49am
DM, jeez my friend, I really really like you as a writer. A lovely romance in your context (seemingly through your outlook in general), and in your lines. Lots of subtle sound combinations that carry from line to line - then throughout. I get free formed "dance(y)" type deal , but always tethered to this solidity you find in your discerning eye... And as mr case says, smoooooth. Yup, you are smooth jack, and subtle- a fucking winning combo in my book any day
This particular write has all your stuff that works for me. I did notice the word "sheet " used a few times, and I do tend to diminish my interest a tad when I catch a word repeated - unless it's a conscious thing... But anyhow, totally like it lots man. Imma return with a more complete commentary because I want to work out how to describe some of these subtleties I mention. They're subtleties that I aspire to often in a very similar way... You nail them, I want to work through it to understand and execute better myself
Good stuff my mellow my man
Cheers!
This particular write has all your stuff that works for me. I did notice the word "sheet " used a few times, and I do tend to diminish my interest a tad when I catch a word repeated - unless it's a conscious thing... But anyhow, totally like it lots man. Imma return with a more complete commentary because I want to work out how to describe some of these subtleties I mention. They're subtleties that I aspire to often in a very similar way... You nail them, I want to work through it to understand and execute better myself
Good stuff my mellow my man
Cheers!
Well damn.. After seeing a comment like that, there's not much to do except blush. You'll make me even lazier with compliments like that. Thanks for picking up on that, I'll see if I can change one or two around soon.
Really appreciate you stopping by to leave your thoughts mate.
(And I'm glad you totally liked it lots)
Really appreciate you stopping by to leave your thoughts mate.
(And I'm glad you totally liked it lots)
11th Oct 2015 9:11pm
I could totally feel this one deep with my bones and soul. I loved it. List worthy my friend. <3
