deepundergroundpoetry.com

Trigger

Trigger in your hands
Pulled unknowingly
Shot me hard
Frozen, still
Bullet pierced through
Exposing damaged flesh
Cutting me open
Like previous times
Scars peeling
Me, breaking
Trying my best
To get up
And tell you what you've done
Without casting blame
And letting you explain

For one moment I forgot the differences
Between my last story and ours
Each page seemed the same
Chapters were nonexistent
I never expected you to carry guns
Nor to ever point them at me
Trust seemed stupidly given
Exactly like before
Why was I not strong enough to remember who you are?
How do I not feel bad for momentarily grouping you with the rest?
I asked you and you said
That I couldn't help it, you understand
And you're not mad, because you know how these things work
"These things happen"

I know you didn't mean to
But how can you help familiarity
Words and actions causing flashbacks
Taking me to a dark space to which I never wanted to return
It hurts
And how can you help fearful emotions
Overflowing like tears
Drowning me in doubt
Screaming "this is just the beginning!"
Soon it will escalate
Just like the last time
And you'll feel like nothing
Until you become it
Gradual devaluation
Slow gruesome process
Ripping insides out
From the inside
Till heart is left shredded
And worn down

Shaking violently
Panic ensuing
No, not again
A perpetual cycle unwelcomed!
Why do people want to do this to me?
What do I do wrong to deserve it?
Is there something I do too much of or too little?
How do I attract this treacherous torment?
And how do I rid myself of it?
Please, explain it to me
Just tell me why

Those were the questions I asked
While lying in the pain of my bullet wounds
Resting on a bed of knives
Hoping to find comfort in the blades
Any kind of escape
Stopping the blood rush
Seemed far from any power I possessed
My mind had taken over
And gave way to fear I felt

Then like background noise
I heard what you said
Words unintelligible at first
Before fading into clarity
I know you didn't want to hurt me
And that there were no malicious motives
That you didn't think as carefully as you felt you could have
I'm not okay, but I understand that
You had no reason to consider such things
So why would you think about it?
You couldn't help how my heart was interpreting
All the events that took place
Sometimes we won't know what triggers us
Until it hits with undeniable force
No need to blame yourself for where it ended up
Where I ended up
Where you did, where we did

And I'm thinking of you
Hoping you're okay and knowing that
You didn't break anything
I'm still here
Your pain triggers my response to help
And I hope soon you'll let me
The same way that I let you
Though I'm not sure that you will
Not all triggers are bad
You just had the wrong one
In your hands
And that's not your fault
Nor is it mine for reacting
I know you know this
And it gives me confidence that we'll be okay
Despite any triggers that may or may not arise
Because you and I have the ingredients essential to thrive
Written by WoundedHeart
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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