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Killjoy Wos here!
A comical comment on the overweening Health & Safety culture
Terrence and Tina Townsend were walking in the countryside with their twin children Tuck and Tanya. All was fun and frolics until they came upon on a bridge over a stream.
‘Oh daddy, look’ cried the eight year olds in unison ‘can we play pooh sticks? Please daddy please.’
A couple of dead twigs were broken off a nearby tree and the children lifted so they could see over the high parapet. The sticks were duly dropped the ten feet into the water with a barely discernible plop. The children scampered excitedly across the track tugging at each other in an effort to be first. They were lifted up again amid hugs, tickles and giggles to await the stick’s reappearance to see who had won the race of the eddies.
‘Excuse me sir might I have a word?’
Terrence and Tina turned to see a portly person parading towards them. He was dressed in an oversized high-vis jacket above which was perched precariously a pink safety helmet. He glanced from the family to his clipboard as he advanced. The children were lowered and ceased giggling as the family politely waited for him to speak.
Drawing himself up to his full five foot four inch height the stranger said ‘may I ask exactly what activity you’re involved in here?’
Terrence, resenting the man’s officious tone, asked ‘Who are you and why do you want to know?’
‘I am' said the man pausing for dramatic effect, Mr. Percy Panjandrum the council’s Chief Environmental Safety Officer. He flourished his ID card fussily. Then this epitome of pomposity pronounced peremptorily ‘I believe, sir, that you are engaged in activities which contravene several local bye-laws.’
Tina’s mouth dropped open ‘Is this some kind of joke mister?’
Terrence surveyed the surrounding fields ‘OK, so where’s the hidden camera mate? This is one of those TV wind-ups, yeah?’
Panjandrum put his fist to his mouth and affected a throat clearing cough. Composing his fat face and triple chin into what he fondly imagined was a stern authoritarian look he said ‘I'm afraid this is no joking matter sir. I have observed you damaging a tree and putting minors at risk twice by elevating them to an inappropriate position.' Percy peered petulantly over his safety spectacles 'May I ask if you carried out a full risk assessment before commencing this ill advised adventure sir?’
Terrence and Tina were dumbstruck. At last Terrence, blinking and bemused, managed ‘a what mate?’
‘Clearly there are major safety implications here’ continued Panjandrum ignoring Terrence’s question. ‘To begin with it is required under bye-law 2702, paragraph 13, sub section iv that minors wear high-visibility vests at all times when participating in outdoor pursuits in council controlled countryside' he took a deep breath. 'Secondly: when engaging in these arduous adventurous activities minors should be equipped with safety helmets, harnesses, floatation devices and any other approved safety equipment required by the said activity.’ Panjandrum paused inwardly congratulating himself on his memory for minutiae. Glancing at his clipboard he ticked several boxes with the punctilious air of a comic opera clown.
Seeing Tina about to speak he held up a pudgy hand to indicate there was more to come. ‘Furthermore,' he continued, 'you allowed these minors to run unescorted and unsupervised across the highway contrary to section 84 paragraph 147 sub clause 89 amendment 12 of the highways and byways act 2013.’
‘But it’s only an empty bridle path barely twelve feet wide’ protested Terrence too gobsmacked even to feel angry.
‘That is as maybe sir’ said Percy the prince of pomp ‘but it still constitutes a highway for purposes of environmental health and safety.’ He glanced again at his clipboard checking his notes. ‘Now, we come to the matter of criminal damage to the tree Mr. er...er...?
‘Oh you mean the two dead twigs?' said Terrence sidestepping the oblique request for his name 'I’ll report it to the local branch manager’ he quipped trying to inject a little humour into the bizarre situation. It fell flat.
‘Bye-law 1013a of 1972 chapter 41 paragraph 19 sub paragraph vii states categorically that under no circumstances may any tree, bush, shrub, plant or herb be pruned, cut, transplanted, carried away or otherwise molested unless written permission from the Parks And Recreational Areas Committee (PARAC) is first obtained.’
Panjandrum hovered, his pen poised expectantly above his clipboard ‘I’ll need your full names and address for my report’ he said.
Terrence, a mild-mannered man, finally snapped ‘you ain't having them mate’ he growled belligerently. ‘For a start you've upset my family with your pathetic petty persecution. That, Percy, is contrary to Parental Practices for Pleasurable Pursuits protocol 32, chapter 19 paragraph 197 sub clause 17 bloody b' he bawled his frustration rising rapidly. 'Secondly: If you don’t piss off and leave us alone I’ll wedge my non-standard, unapproved, size 10 walking boot so hard up your fat arse it’ll make your eyes bleed.’
Panjandrum’s face paled ‘I shall have to report this unwarranted threat of physical violence to the appropriate authorities immediately ‘he said prissily pulling out his phone. ‘Oh dear I haven't got a signal I shall have to commandeer yours’ he said holding out his hand.
*****
Percy Panjandrum plodded painfully into the council meeting, his haemorrhoids hurting him horribly, to recite his recommendations.
At the cost of £25,012.40 to the local taxpayers the council erected an anti pooh sticks fence at the upstream end of the bridge. They daubed the parapet with anti-climb paint with statuary warning signs prominently displayed. They also placed garish green notice boards at regular intervals along the path to warn people not to lean over the bridge.
‘Danger deep water’ signs were erected and a lifebelt provided either side of the stream to amuse the local vandals. The stream was only ten inches deep but the signs had been deemed necessary because in the spring of 1948, due to a huge snow melt, the stream had reached a depth of two feet eight inches.
Postscript:
Mr. Percy Panjandrum tragically died in unexplained circumstances. He was found lying face down in the stream under the bridge smeared in anti-climb paint. He had suffered neck injuries consistent with a fall. The likeliest explanation of his demise was he that he, being a very conscientious ESO, had been testing the effectiveness of his safety measures when he slipped and fell. The coroner, however, returned an open verdict because no adequate explanation could be found as to why a large twig was protruding from Percy's anus.
Copyright © J A Milligan All rights reserved.
Terrence and Tina Townsend were walking in the countryside with their twin children Tuck and Tanya. All was fun and frolics until they came upon on a bridge over a stream.
‘Oh daddy, look’ cried the eight year olds in unison ‘can we play pooh sticks? Please daddy please.’
A couple of dead twigs were broken off a nearby tree and the children lifted so they could see over the high parapet. The sticks were duly dropped the ten feet into the water with a barely discernible plop. The children scampered excitedly across the track tugging at each other in an effort to be first. They were lifted up again amid hugs, tickles and giggles to await the stick’s reappearance to see who had won the race of the eddies.
‘Excuse me sir might I have a word?’
Terrence and Tina turned to see a portly person parading towards them. He was dressed in an oversized high-vis jacket above which was perched precariously a pink safety helmet. He glanced from the family to his clipboard as he advanced. The children were lowered and ceased giggling as the family politely waited for him to speak.
Drawing himself up to his full five foot four inch height the stranger said ‘may I ask exactly what activity you’re involved in here?’
Terrence, resenting the man’s officious tone, asked ‘Who are you and why do you want to know?’
‘I am' said the man pausing for dramatic effect, Mr. Percy Panjandrum the council’s Chief Environmental Safety Officer. He flourished his ID card fussily. Then this epitome of pomposity pronounced peremptorily ‘I believe, sir, that you are engaged in activities which contravene several local bye-laws.’
Tina’s mouth dropped open ‘Is this some kind of joke mister?’
Terrence surveyed the surrounding fields ‘OK, so where’s the hidden camera mate? This is one of those TV wind-ups, yeah?’
Panjandrum put his fist to his mouth and affected a throat clearing cough. Composing his fat face and triple chin into what he fondly imagined was a stern authoritarian look he said ‘I'm afraid this is no joking matter sir. I have observed you damaging a tree and putting minors at risk twice by elevating them to an inappropriate position.' Percy peered petulantly over his safety spectacles 'May I ask if you carried out a full risk assessment before commencing this ill advised adventure sir?’
Terrence and Tina were dumbstruck. At last Terrence, blinking and bemused, managed ‘a what mate?’
‘Clearly there are major safety implications here’ continued Panjandrum ignoring Terrence’s question. ‘To begin with it is required under bye-law 2702, paragraph 13, sub section iv that minors wear high-visibility vests at all times when participating in outdoor pursuits in council controlled countryside' he took a deep breath. 'Secondly: when engaging in these arduous adventurous activities minors should be equipped with safety helmets, harnesses, floatation devices and any other approved safety equipment required by the said activity.’ Panjandrum paused inwardly congratulating himself on his memory for minutiae. Glancing at his clipboard he ticked several boxes with the punctilious air of a comic opera clown.
Seeing Tina about to speak he held up a pudgy hand to indicate there was more to come. ‘Furthermore,' he continued, 'you allowed these minors to run unescorted and unsupervised across the highway contrary to section 84 paragraph 147 sub clause 89 amendment 12 of the highways and byways act 2013.’
‘But it’s only an empty bridle path barely twelve feet wide’ protested Terrence too gobsmacked even to feel angry.
‘That is as maybe sir’ said Percy the prince of pomp ‘but it still constitutes a highway for purposes of environmental health and safety.’ He glanced again at his clipboard checking his notes. ‘Now, we come to the matter of criminal damage to the tree Mr. er...er...?
‘Oh you mean the two dead twigs?' said Terrence sidestepping the oblique request for his name 'I’ll report it to the local branch manager’ he quipped trying to inject a little humour into the bizarre situation. It fell flat.
‘Bye-law 1013a of 1972 chapter 41 paragraph 19 sub paragraph vii states categorically that under no circumstances may any tree, bush, shrub, plant or herb be pruned, cut, transplanted, carried away or otherwise molested unless written permission from the Parks And Recreational Areas Committee (PARAC) is first obtained.’
Panjandrum hovered, his pen poised expectantly above his clipboard ‘I’ll need your full names and address for my report’ he said.
Terrence, a mild-mannered man, finally snapped ‘you ain't having them mate’ he growled belligerently. ‘For a start you've upset my family with your pathetic petty persecution. That, Percy, is contrary to Parental Practices for Pleasurable Pursuits protocol 32, chapter 19 paragraph 197 sub clause 17 bloody b' he bawled his frustration rising rapidly. 'Secondly: If you don’t piss off and leave us alone I’ll wedge my non-standard, unapproved, size 10 walking boot so hard up your fat arse it’ll make your eyes bleed.’
Panjandrum’s face paled ‘I shall have to report this unwarranted threat of physical violence to the appropriate authorities immediately ‘he said prissily pulling out his phone. ‘Oh dear I haven't got a signal I shall have to commandeer yours’ he said holding out his hand.
*****
Percy Panjandrum plodded painfully into the council meeting, his haemorrhoids hurting him horribly, to recite his recommendations.
At the cost of £25,012.40 to the local taxpayers the council erected an anti pooh sticks fence at the upstream end of the bridge. They daubed the parapet with anti-climb paint with statuary warning signs prominently displayed. They also placed garish green notice boards at regular intervals along the path to warn people not to lean over the bridge.
‘Danger deep water’ signs were erected and a lifebelt provided either side of the stream to amuse the local vandals. The stream was only ten inches deep but the signs had been deemed necessary because in the spring of 1948, due to a huge snow melt, the stream had reached a depth of two feet eight inches.
Postscript:
Mr. Percy Panjandrum tragically died in unexplained circumstances. He was found lying face down in the stream under the bridge smeared in anti-climb paint. He had suffered neck injuries consistent with a fall. The likeliest explanation of his demise was he that he, being a very conscientious ESO, had been testing the effectiveness of his safety measures when he slipped and fell. The coroner, however, returned an open verdict because no adequate explanation could be found as to why a large twig was protruding from Percy's anus.
Copyright © J A Milligan All rights reserved.
Published 11th Mar 2015
| Edited 13th Mar 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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