deepundergroundpoetry.com
retired sea master
Retired Sea Master.
Brilliant sun, cold wind from the Atlantic I’m standing outside
the hotel by the car while my wife is arguing with the staff,
apparently we had been overcharged but I had already paid
the bill and they were reluctant to return the money.
I felt guilty too many beers last night, this morning doing
a blood test my hands trembled and I spilt blood on the sheet.
I was standing there wanting a beer, but I was the driving,
it is a long drive, and my wife gets nervous on the motorway.
She came out they had paid her ten Euros to avert a scandal
as a bus full of Danish tourists were pulling up, mostly old
couples. When I asked if they were fleeing Denmark because
of the shooting troubles in Copenhagen I got angry looks,
my joke had fallen flat, and I decided never again
telling a joke unless it was against me, but I’m not funny
just an ordinary man who tries not to drink during the day
and also in the evening when I try work.
So you call this work? Yes, it is I’m telling it just the way it
is not trying to be a hero or someone famous,
just the day in the life of a nobody who used to be listened to
when he was a captain on a cargo ship.
Brilliant sun, cold wind from the Atlantic I’m standing outside
the hotel by the car while my wife is arguing with the staff,
apparently we had been overcharged but I had already paid
the bill and they were reluctant to return the money.
I felt guilty too many beers last night, this morning doing
a blood test my hands trembled and I spilt blood on the sheet.
I was standing there wanting a beer, but I was the driving,
it is a long drive, and my wife gets nervous on the motorway.
She came out they had paid her ten Euros to avert a scandal
as a bus full of Danish tourists were pulling up, mostly old
couples. When I asked if they were fleeing Denmark because
of the shooting troubles in Copenhagen I got angry looks,
my joke had fallen flat, and I decided never again
telling a joke unless it was against me, but I’m not funny
just an ordinary man who tries not to drink during the day
and also in the evening when I try work.
So you call this work? Yes, it is I’m telling it just the way it
is not trying to be a hero or someone famous,
just the day in the life of a nobody who used to be listened to
when he was a captain on a cargo ship.
Published 11th Mar 2015
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The author encourages honest critique.
11th Mar 2015 10:04pm
12th Mar 2015 00:31am
Well...I like your bullshit-free approach, and the pieces of an ordinary life. Well done.
I would like you to talk more on the feelings you touched on...there is a mine of material in a man's life when he is used to having control/respect and then that situation changes...a man might have to find a new frame for his entire life.
Interesting, and I think you might just have something to say.
On the mechanics, don't throw punctuation in on the ends of lines if you are not going to use it inside the lines as well...you confuse your reader. Play around with that a bit more, and focus on how someone might read it if they had not written it.
Good on you.
Hh.
I would like you to talk more on the feelings you touched on...there is a mine of material in a man's life when he is used to having control/respect and then that situation changes...a man might have to find a new frame for his entire life.
Interesting, and I think you might just have something to say.
On the mechanics, don't throw punctuation in on the ends of lines if you are not going to use it inside the lines as well...you confuse your reader. Play around with that a bit more, and focus on how someone might read it if they had not written it.
Good on you.
Hh.
