deepundergroundpoetry.com
There's a Girl
[center]There's a girl I can never hate
She fills my life with butterflies
And my dreams with the sunrise
When I met her, I thought it was fate
A burning in my chest she creates
I fall deeper when I look into her eyes
She is my lovely prize
And it kills to know, she's straight
She'll get caught up on boys
And I'll get her through the pain
She'll play into their hands like a toy
And I'll tell her to not be ashamed
But she's someone who gives me joy
There's a girl who lights my heart aflame
[/center]
She fills my life with butterflies
And my dreams with the sunrise
When I met her, I thought it was fate
A burning in my chest she creates
I fall deeper when I look into her eyes
She is my lovely prize
And it kills to know, she's straight
She'll get caught up on boys
And I'll get her through the pain
She'll play into their hands like a toy
And I'll tell her to not be ashamed
But she's someone who gives me joy
There's a girl who lights my heart aflame
[/center]
Published 20th Feb 2015
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likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 6
reads 684
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
21st Feb 2015 00:12am
I could scarcely imagine being in such a position
You summed the feeling up nicely, without being hysteric about it
Simple but enjoyable
You summed the feeling up nicely, without being hysteric about it
Simple but enjoyable
21st Feb 2015 6:02pm
25th Feb 2015 1:15am
26th Feb 2015 5:55am
2nd Mar 2015 11:04pm
As much as I like this, I feel it could use some more work.
Specifically Lines 1, 12, 13 and 14.
There are sooooooo many things that you could swap with "hate" that would be more relevant to the entire piece.
"Ashamed" could easily become "shame" and thus better rhyme with "aflame"
Line 13 is just excessively wordy.
Specifically Lines 1, 12, 13 and 14.
There are sooooooo many things that you could swap with "hate" that would be more relevant to the entire piece.
"Ashamed" could easily become "shame" and thus better rhyme with "aflame"
Line 13 is just excessively wordy.
3rd Mar 2015 4:24am
yeah, I did this for that competition about love sonnet and I've never done it before. Thanks for the critique, I do take them to heart and learn from them, so it's very helpful.
