deepundergroundpoetry.com
Of Course
Torn between decisions of my own selfish wants
And going to a place where I know I don't belong
Lending support when I can't accurately give it
No it's not easy for me to come out and admit this
I don't want to offend or cause disappointment
Nor labeled rude for what seems like avoidance
But it feels so wrong when I can't be authentic
And I wonder if anybody will truly get it
The truth is I can't find a way to entirely connect
Surely my presence and being there will reflect
The awkwardness I feel along with the empathy
Happy to be there, I'd only pretend to be
The mask would wear thin when deep sadness is shared
I'd stand out appearing as if I never cared
Physically existing but emotionally so far
I'm just not as close as you all are
If the goal is to establish some sort of attachment
I don't really see how any of that could happen
It doesn't make sense in a setting that's designed
With a specific intention and purpose in mind
There's a difference between being wanted and not
Between providing company and being a good-willed thought
I know where I'm wanted and where I'd feel best
But all of my reasons have to be suppressed
Maybe I'll see it differently when it's all done and finished
I just had to get this out so these feelings can diminish
Knew from the get-go that I'd likely make the sacrifice
Because when I put myself first it rarely seems right
So yes of course I'll cater to the expectation
Find a way to overcome that I'm an obligation
Smile as I'm acknowledged for small talk inclusion
Because acting like I'm wanted is an effective solution
Maybe I won't notice the way it really is
Perhaps I'm not perceptive and won't catch onto a thing
Submitting to the ties of social conformity
Ignoring the part of this that really tore at me
Disappointing one person to please another
Oh from which option will it be easier to recover?
It doesn't matter when the choice is now out of my hands
I'll be the odd one out and ensure to meet demands
And for the option that ends up left I hope for no regret
If I had been the one to decide this would be easier to accept
I can deal with mistakes when I know how and why I made them
But not when the right to choose my path has been ripped away and taken
And going to a place where I know I don't belong
Lending support when I can't accurately give it
No it's not easy for me to come out and admit this
I don't want to offend or cause disappointment
Nor labeled rude for what seems like avoidance
But it feels so wrong when I can't be authentic
And I wonder if anybody will truly get it
The truth is I can't find a way to entirely connect
Surely my presence and being there will reflect
The awkwardness I feel along with the empathy
Happy to be there, I'd only pretend to be
The mask would wear thin when deep sadness is shared
I'd stand out appearing as if I never cared
Physically existing but emotionally so far
I'm just not as close as you all are
If the goal is to establish some sort of attachment
I don't really see how any of that could happen
It doesn't make sense in a setting that's designed
With a specific intention and purpose in mind
There's a difference between being wanted and not
Between providing company and being a good-willed thought
I know where I'm wanted and where I'd feel best
But all of my reasons have to be suppressed
Maybe I'll see it differently when it's all done and finished
I just had to get this out so these feelings can diminish
Knew from the get-go that I'd likely make the sacrifice
Because when I put myself first it rarely seems right
So yes of course I'll cater to the expectation
Find a way to overcome that I'm an obligation
Smile as I'm acknowledged for small talk inclusion
Because acting like I'm wanted is an effective solution
Maybe I won't notice the way it really is
Perhaps I'm not perceptive and won't catch onto a thing
Submitting to the ties of social conformity
Ignoring the part of this that really tore at me
Disappointing one person to please another
Oh from which option will it be easier to recover?
It doesn't matter when the choice is now out of my hands
I'll be the odd one out and ensure to meet demands
And for the option that ends up left I hope for no regret
If I had been the one to decide this would be easier to accept
I can deal with mistakes when I know how and why I made them
But not when the right to choose my path has been ripped away and taken
Published 18th Feb 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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18th Feb 2015 10:47am
My eyes are all teared up after reading this :'( It really hits the heart how much you can't be yourself to someone, when you really want to be there for them, but they just don't want that from you so you have to show you don't care that way, and end up hiding all the pain inside with an emotionless shell, just to not lose them altogether
18th Feb 2015 11:46am
Thank you so much. I'm sorry this made you so sad but at the same time I'm very moved by your comment and that this affected you so deeply...
The subject in mind (or in heart) was a little different but it's always interesting and cool to see how emotions are interpreted by the reader. You gave me a whole new way to look at this from the outside. I really appreciate your feedback!
The subject in mind (or in heart) was a little different but it's always interesting and cool to see how emotions are interpreted by the reader. You gave me a whole new way to look at this from the outside. I really appreciate your feedback!
