deepundergroundpoetry.com
Wake up and smell the bloodied roses
Wake up and smell the bloodied roses.
That blood is yours and ours
Both metaphorical and real
Oh, we'll make sure its real.
While we in-fight and nit-pick
And say this, and say that
Hate this person, or that
They've done this and that.
Vultures circle high above, above our words and thoughts
They don't portend doom and death
Thats already here.
You are dying, our race is dying.
We become more common,
Ignorant
And angry as the days go by.
Nothing is sacred any longer
No stone is left unturned or manipulated or sold
Everything has a damn price
Virtue today is not what you do or don't do
Its not even what you do.
Virtue is dead, our Gods are dead
Science is dead too,
Raised up high
And then sacrificed on the alter of Us.
Look at this damn world
It should have nothing but scorn and hatred for
Its idiocy, corruption and other Evils.
Yet evils that won't be fought because we have weakened 'good'.
We see it as peaceful, caring, loving, unarmed
Yet grievously beaten, shunned and harmed.
Modern life needs anti-heroes
To simply start everything again
Or better yet end it all with class.
Wake up and smell the bloodied roses
Before you and I 'water' the garden
Before the nightmare becomes eternal.
That blood is yours and ours
Both metaphorical and real
Oh, we'll make sure its real.
While we in-fight and nit-pick
And say this, and say that
Hate this person, or that
They've done this and that.
Vultures circle high above, above our words and thoughts
They don't portend doom and death
Thats already here.
You are dying, our race is dying.
We become more common,
Ignorant
And angry as the days go by.
Nothing is sacred any longer
No stone is left unturned or manipulated or sold
Everything has a damn price
Virtue today is not what you do or don't do
Its not even what you do.
Virtue is dead, our Gods are dead
Science is dead too,
Raised up high
And then sacrificed on the alter of Us.
Look at this damn world
It should have nothing but scorn and hatred for
Its idiocy, corruption and other Evils.
Yet evils that won't be fought because we have weakened 'good'.
We see it as peaceful, caring, loving, unarmed
Yet grievously beaten, shunned and harmed.
Modern life needs anti-heroes
To simply start everything again
Or better yet end it all with class.
Wake up and smell the bloodied roses
Before you and I 'water' the garden
Before the nightmare becomes eternal.
Published 10th May 2011
| Edited 16th May 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
10th May 2011 10:52pm
11th May 2011 8:47pm
15th May 2011 8:59pm
"Yet evils that won't be fought because we have weakened 'good'" -- that's an excellent line (ok, it's not the only one, but it's the one that stands out for me).
I like what you're saying here but I think the delivery could be improved a little. It comes across as didactic and yes, some people do need to be beaten over the head with things (a lot), but I'd love to see a little more technique employed. Simple things though -- there aren't many actual lines I'd alter, except to suggest that you try taking out the "I" perspective in "I look at this world", as it's a bit weak and "telling". You could try something like "this world deserves nothing but scorn and hatred".
Otherwise, I suggest you try playing with your line breaks and add in a few stanza breaks as well, to really emphasise certain points, as a lot of what you're saying gets a bit lost in the larger body of the poem.
Bloody good bones you have here though.
I like what you're saying here but I think the delivery could be improved a little. It comes across as didactic and yes, some people do need to be beaten over the head with things (a lot), but I'd love to see a little more technique employed. Simple things though -- there aren't many actual lines I'd alter, except to suggest that you try taking out the "I" perspective in "I look at this world", as it's a bit weak and "telling". You could try something like "this world deserves nothing but scorn and hatred".
Otherwise, I suggest you try playing with your line breaks and add in a few stanza breaks as well, to really emphasise certain points, as a lot of what you're saying gets a bit lost in the larger body of the poem.
Bloody good bones you have here though.
15th May 2011 11:10pm
15th May 2011 11:54pm
It's already more readable, just with stanza breaks. Words at the beginnings and ends of stanzas are given more emphasis unconsciously by the reader. It's a sneaky trick we poets keep up our sleeves.
15th May 2011 11:56pm
But I prefer to try to condense the thing, so tha it doesn't look long and boring. But seems I forgot that if its long or wide it can be boring, but is often forgotten if its good.
16th May 2011 00:00am
16th May 2011 00:02am
16th May 2011 00:05am
"It should have nothing but scorn and hatred for it/
Its idiocy, corruption and other 'evils'." This works best if you take out an "it" and enjamb the two lines:
"It should have nothing but scorn and hatred for
its idiocy, corruption and other evils"
You don't need the inverted commas around 'evils' -- you're allowed to overstate in poetry, hyperbole is an effective device.
Its idiocy, corruption and other 'evils'." This works best if you take out an "it" and enjamb the two lines:
"It should have nothing but scorn and hatred for
its idiocy, corruption and other evils"
You don't need the inverted commas around 'evils' -- you're allowed to overstate in poetry, hyperbole is an effective device.
16th May 2011 00:07am
16th May 2011 00:08am
16th May 2011 00:12am
Ha! Can't hijack an out-of-control transportation dvice. Anyway I welcome your words. Now the guards will see you out when you're done, don't let the detain you.... if you want to leave and live.
