deepundergroundpoetry.com
My Emotional life 2000-2014.
The most honest thing I've ever written.
My family has always been a mess and never been hugely close but never dysfunctional.
2000- Emotionally abused by my granddad. witnessed domestic violence against my granny aged 10. Bullying through much of my school life. Had some low self esteem. Internalized others hatred as self hatred.
2006- dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in my house.
2007- Last year of high school. Lost most of interest in school. Didn't study well and just about passed. Became intellectually escapist. Escaped into poetry, philosophy etc. Was abandoned/deserted by my family-both literally and emotionally. My family became controlling and emotionally abusive. Alternating patterns of family abandoning me or being controlling.
Felt abandoned, lonely ,had no emotional support.
2008- I became something like depressed. Near suicidal. Unemployed. Got into long distance relationship that was emotionally abusive like my family. She was a pathological liar I later discovered. I gave her my everything while she didn't give much in return. This became a 'norm' for me in relationships. She dumped me and I got much worse. My family were even more controlling. Threatened with being kidnapped.
Felt lonely, isolated, abandoned, helpless,worthless,useless, unhappy, unwanted,unneeded, full of self hated,full of guilt, full of shame. Many of these feelings became a normality for me in the following years.
2009- My family reached a height of control and it became explicit and openly controlling. I resisted.
My mum became possessive. Went to college. I improved emotionally, met my 2nd gf. Left for England. Things improved.
My second girlfriend was not emotionally abusive like my first. However I still gave more than I received back and she was selfish and I was more than willing to accept that. I was co-dependent, needy, clingy and lacked a defined sense of my self since my self since part of being aged 18 was defined in relation to her.
2010- Happy.
2011- Me and 2nd gf broke up. Had to reassess my life. Change in my perspective.
2012- Matured emotionally. Happy for first time in years on my own. First real sense of independence. Shed off some of low self esteem from the past. Learnt I'm very capable of lots of things. Felt excessively hurt by exclusion, criticize or rejection(either perceived or actual) Desperately sought deep connections with others. My insecurities not present since 2007 & 2008 began to surface. I developed a better sense of my self as an independence person. Started to shed off low self esteem issues present since about 2007/2008.
2013- Returned to Scotland. Had a number of failed attempts at relationships. Seek to form close relationships desperately. Fall in 'love' (or something like it) quickly and easily repeatedly. Insecurity, fears of abandonment/rejection/loss. Felt excessively hurt by exclusion, criticize or rejection(either perceived or actual) Problems arose caused by events in 2007 and 2008. I developed a better sense of my self as an independence person. Emotionally matured. My family were still emotionally controlling. My family did not approve of how I had changed since 2009. Shed off parts of my low self esteem.
2014- Last straw in terms of my family and their emotionally abusive controlling behaviour.
Had a number of failed attempts at relationships. Seek to form close relationships desperately. Fall in 'love' (or something like it) quickly and easily repeatedly. Insecurity, fears of abandonment/rejection/loss. Felt excessively hurt by exclusion, criticize or rejection(either perceived or actual) Problems arose caused by events in 2007 and 2008. I developed a better sense of my self as an independence person. Emotionally matured. First Christmas separate from my family in Scotland. Much happier. Developed even more clearer sense of myself as an independence better. Felt more positive about myself. Shed off even more parts of my low self esteem.
Feb 2015- Exploring my issues more deeply. Realized some of my issues trace back to 2000 or 2006.
My mum was diagnosed with PTSD which may explain some of her behaviours but does not excuse her mistreatment of me.
My family has always been a mess and never been hugely close but never dysfunctional.
2000- Emotionally abused by my granddad. witnessed domestic violence against my granny aged 10. Bullying through much of my school life. Had some low self esteem. Internalized others hatred as self hatred.
2006- dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in my house.
2007- Last year of high school. Lost most of interest in school. Didn't study well and just about passed. Became intellectually escapist. Escaped into poetry, philosophy etc. Was abandoned/deserted by my family-both literally and emotionally. My family became controlling and emotionally abusive. Alternating patterns of family abandoning me or being controlling.
Felt abandoned, lonely ,had no emotional support.
2008- I became something like depressed. Near suicidal. Unemployed. Got into long distance relationship that was emotionally abusive like my family. She was a pathological liar I later discovered. I gave her my everything while she didn't give much in return. This became a 'norm' for me in relationships. She dumped me and I got much worse. My family were even more controlling. Threatened with being kidnapped.
Felt lonely, isolated, abandoned, helpless,worthless,useless, unhappy, unwanted,unneeded, full of self hated,full of guilt, full of shame. Many of these feelings became a normality for me in the following years.
2009- My family reached a height of control and it became explicit and openly controlling. I resisted.
My mum became possessive. Went to college. I improved emotionally, met my 2nd gf. Left for England. Things improved.
My second girlfriend was not emotionally abusive like my first. However I still gave more than I received back and she was selfish and I was more than willing to accept that. I was co-dependent, needy, clingy and lacked a defined sense of my self since my self since part of being aged 18 was defined in relation to her.
2010- Happy.
2011- Me and 2nd gf broke up. Had to reassess my life. Change in my perspective.
2012- Matured emotionally. Happy for first time in years on my own. First real sense of independence. Shed off some of low self esteem from the past. Learnt I'm very capable of lots of things. Felt excessively hurt by exclusion, criticize or rejection(either perceived or actual) Desperately sought deep connections with others. My insecurities not present since 2007 & 2008 began to surface. I developed a better sense of my self as an independence person. Started to shed off low self esteem issues present since about 2007/2008.
2013- Returned to Scotland. Had a number of failed attempts at relationships. Seek to form close relationships desperately. Fall in 'love' (or something like it) quickly and easily repeatedly. Insecurity, fears of abandonment/rejection/loss. Felt excessively hurt by exclusion, criticize or rejection(either perceived or actual) Problems arose caused by events in 2007 and 2008. I developed a better sense of my self as an independence person. Emotionally matured. My family were still emotionally controlling. My family did not approve of how I had changed since 2009. Shed off parts of my low self esteem.
2014- Last straw in terms of my family and their emotionally abusive controlling behaviour.
Had a number of failed attempts at relationships. Seek to form close relationships desperately. Fall in 'love' (or something like it) quickly and easily repeatedly. Insecurity, fears of abandonment/rejection/loss. Felt excessively hurt by exclusion, criticize or rejection(either perceived or actual) Problems arose caused by events in 2007 and 2008. I developed a better sense of my self as an independence person. Emotionally matured. First Christmas separate from my family in Scotland. Much happier. Developed even more clearer sense of myself as an independence better. Felt more positive about myself. Shed off even more parts of my low self esteem.
Feb 2015- Exploring my issues more deeply. Realized some of my issues trace back to 2000 or 2006.
My mum was diagnosed with PTSD which may explain some of her behaviours but does not excuse her mistreatment of me.
Published 7th Feb 2015
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