Image for the poem Charade You Are

Charade You Are

I feel the shadow of fear creeping down the dark hall        
slipping noticed into the room - my eyes squinched tight        
But i know that shadow even with my eyes closed don't I        
It's bad intentions made known with the smell of beer        
in my nostrils.        
oh god oh god oh god        
holding still under covers  
praying to a god that's nowhere around        
don get me don get me        
my fear sucks all sound from the room        
but not for long.          
I see the shadows of my sister dancing in the dark.        
The blue of the night light adds calming colors        
making shadow creatures out of the dancers frenzied movements        
yet doing nothing to mask the whimpered sound  
of dying innocence  
just how many times can innocence die?        
I lay frozen with fear and self hatred        
I mean why couldn't I just sneak up and  beat my father        
to death with my baton underneath the bed?
I know I can could smash his face bloody       
why couldn't I?  
Because he's stronger than god!!        
I'm no savior, just a little girl with the world        
and my sister's innocence on my shoulders        
I disgust myself lying frozen         
while the abuse goes on and on  
till a minute seems like hours      
I clap my hands over my ears  
pretending that this is not my life        
no no no this can't be my life        
please god just let me die        
waiting until the shadow slips down the hall        
back to hell and my mother    
who's earned the title of Mama the blind    
and not for nothing either        
I disappear into the nothing I've become        

and will spend my entire life perfecting        

wearing my mask of a happy girl  
ha ha Charade you are        
Written by shaunda
Published | Edited 12th Dec 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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