Accidents happen

Have you ever done something in hopes of feeling better
Something you once scolded your older sister for doing
Something that you never understood why so many your age did
Yet the moment you did it afterwards you felt so..
..so empty?
Sleeping with him didn't make me feel better, in fact I felt as hollow as a birds bones
It started out with hand holding
Simple, sweet, safe
Then led to cuddling, alright. I can still handle this.
Then kissing, oh fuck what am I doing?
Then groping, then the aftermath
I hoped to feel something, anything to say I'm alive again.
Yet I felt more empty than before
I'm trying to fix myself in all the wrong ways
I've been trying to remind myself that it's okay to be alone sometimes and I don't need someone to hold me
Because I don't know how to kiss someone without letting them swallow me whole
I guess I'm just a mess, or maybe I'm just lonely
Or just bitter but I do know my head's a storm and my chest is empty
I should've never shut down. You have to feel pain, because once you turn it off you can't get it back. And then you're left prying open your veins and breaking your bones.
Drowning in vodka
Choking on pills
Bleeding out
Swallowing cigarettes
Fucking boys who you wish would rip your heart out just so you can feel something for just a moment.
It turns out feeling nothing is worse than anything else.
Don't do that.
Don't do what I did.