deepundergroundpoetry.com
Close to Distance
It doesn't matter what you do to keep me close
Sometimes I just don't feel it
And I'm not really sure what it is
Or even if I should reveal this
But there's something that pulls me back
When my mind drifts to thoughts
I find reasons to question facts
And make excuses just to stop
But I live this life in secret
I'm a victim to my own securities again
These worries seem so needless
Inside I scream to find the end
But there's a chance that it could help me
That I'm seeing things crystal clear
Am I a product of reality?
Or the weak result of endless fear?
I'm dying just to live
For sweet precious moments
But when one second tears my confidence
I feel desperate and so hopeless
Like everything I've tried to fix
Will only truly remain broken
Because I am just far too sensitive
When I decide to be open
And how can I let go
When I'm this close to distance
So out of control
When things are inconsistent
Sometimes I trick myself
Into believing what comforts me most
I can create patterns that never existed
Or I can read too much into ones that do
These nights I feel alone
No longer on the same page
It's all in what I think, not what I know
And you'd never grasp how I'm afraid
Sure you can cover me in sweet words
Sprinkle me with soothing actions
Indeed it all can mean so much
Yet why isn't it always enough?
I'm so confused when I respond
And when I like what's going on
Too hard to figure out what's wrong
So I'd much rather be gone
Because I can't fight a battle that I'll lose
Although I have days I feel I'm winning
These nights remind me that I can't choose
And I'm thrown back to the beginning
What is the point of working
To find little success
Each heartbeat hurting
Head a crazy mess
No cause for this problem
Nothing good to gain
Grip on rationality
Harder to maintain
No way to find safety
When I am the one to blame
These fears oh how they plague me
But I'll convince you that I'm sane
And when I break
I'll collect the pieces in silence
You'll ask if I'm alright
I'll assure you with a smile and
It will calm you through the night
But it won't force me to admit
That I still put up resistance
Because I hang off the edge when things get rough
When things become inconsistent
And I'm scared now
That I'm just too close
To distance
Sometimes I just don't feel it
And I'm not really sure what it is
Or even if I should reveal this
But there's something that pulls me back
When my mind drifts to thoughts
I find reasons to question facts
And make excuses just to stop
But I live this life in secret
I'm a victim to my own securities again
These worries seem so needless
Inside I scream to find the end
But there's a chance that it could help me
That I'm seeing things crystal clear
Am I a product of reality?
Or the weak result of endless fear?
I'm dying just to live
For sweet precious moments
But when one second tears my confidence
I feel desperate and so hopeless
Like everything I've tried to fix
Will only truly remain broken
Because I am just far too sensitive
When I decide to be open
And how can I let go
When I'm this close to distance
So out of control
When things are inconsistent
Sometimes I trick myself
Into believing what comforts me most
I can create patterns that never existed
Or I can read too much into ones that do
These nights I feel alone
No longer on the same page
It's all in what I think, not what I know
And you'd never grasp how I'm afraid
Sure you can cover me in sweet words
Sprinkle me with soothing actions
Indeed it all can mean so much
Yet why isn't it always enough?
I'm so confused when I respond
And when I like what's going on
Too hard to figure out what's wrong
So I'd much rather be gone
Because I can't fight a battle that I'll lose
Although I have days I feel I'm winning
These nights remind me that I can't choose
And I'm thrown back to the beginning
What is the point of working
To find little success
Each heartbeat hurting
Head a crazy mess
No cause for this problem
Nothing good to gain
Grip on rationality
Harder to maintain
No way to find safety
When I am the one to blame
These fears oh how they plague me
But I'll convince you that I'm sane
And when I break
I'll collect the pieces in silence
You'll ask if I'm alright
I'll assure you with a smile and
It will calm you through the night
But it won't force me to admit
That I still put up resistance
Because I hang off the edge when things get rough
When things become inconsistent
And I'm scared now
That I'm just too close
To distance
Published 7th Dec 2014
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Anonymous
7th Dec 2014 7:18pm
<< post removed >>
7th Dec 2014 8:10pm
Anonymous
7th Dec 2014 10:14pm
You have such a gift for being in touch with your feelings and expressing them with depth and clarity. I like the very human feel in this one, broken but strong. My fav. Part is how you question is this reality you are seeing or are you aftaid, profound insight. Always enjoy reading you, WH :)
8th Dec 2014 10:22am
Thank you for that lovely compliment. I don't know how it happens, things just flow naturally, but I'm happy it works. It's really cool to be able to put my feelings on display and see them being interpreted so well.
Being unable to distinguish reality from fear is exhausting and confusing, and figuring out the correct path is especially not easy when most won't understand. When irrational causes are to blame, you're left with nothing but yourself.
Being unable to distinguish reality from fear is exhausting and confusing, and figuring out the correct path is especially not easy when most won't understand. When irrational causes are to blame, you're left with nothing but yourself.
