Who am I?

I am someone who has nothing left to lose..
Been lost and alone their whole life.
No, I am not an orphan.
I had a family...
A family that didn't want me.
A family who punishes me
when siblings act up.
You might be thinking I am over reacting..
Well good for you and your opinions.
But that's not the case here.
Sure there was “good” times..
These times were rare.
Let me share my story with you.
I was born in a quiet place.
A peaceful place at one point.
When I was little I disappeared.
No I wasn't kidnapped. I simply
fell asleep under the deck. Don't ask..
Well no one came looking for me.
They didn't even notice I was gone..
That wasn't too bad. Maybe they were busy.
Then next I knew I had a brother.
I was so excited! Turns out I should have been scared.
I was forced to take care of myself.
I was no longer important to them..
If he did something bad they blamed me..
Saying I corrupted him.
I was punished and hit for his crimes.
That was rough. School was my only escape...

Let's fast forward to 9th grade.
My first year in high school.
While at school I met someone.
They meant the world to me...
We spent all year together.
Even switched classes to be together.
The teachers thought it was cute.
We refused to be apart from each other.
We were both in pain from our love ones.
But together we were happy.
At the end of the year we wrote letters to each other.
Gave each other our phone numbers..
We couldn't wait till next year..
It was a time of peace.
My family forgot about me again.
Which was great in my mind.
It would allow me to sneak out to be with them.
I tried to contact the person I was crazy about all summer.
Told myself, maybe they were busy.
Maybe their family went on vacation.
Next thing I knew summer was over...
Never once heard from them.
But I was still excited
Couldn't wait till ask them about their summer.
Waited all day at the front of the school for them
Skipped all my classes..
They never showed.
Next day I waited again. Still nothing...
I kept doing this for weeks..
Even fought with security about going to class
Crying and screaming, I have to be here
Eventually the school realized
I was in pain.. They left me alone.
I didn't care what the other kids said.
I was trapped in a fantasy world..
thinking if I waited maybe they would show.
One teacher started to bring me work,
said to take all the time I need.
I sat at the front of the school every day..
rain or shine I waited...
Waiting for them to show up.
Next thing I knew it was the end of the school year..
They never showed up..
I was confused and wondering what I did..
Did I hurt them?
Did they avoid me all year?
Did they move away and not tell me?
I was lost and confused...
At the end of the year the principal
finally came out to see me..
About time.. Only took you a year
She sat next to me and ask me how my day was..
She didn't really care..
Then she took a deep breath..
She said “I understand what you're feeling,
getting over the death of someone is hard...”
Right when I heard those words..
the world stopped around me
Next thing I knew I was in my own world..
Completely lost to all reality..
Just like that my life was over..
I sat there all night long..
crying and not sure what to do.
I was angry and sad..
Why did no one tell me I screamed!
Does no one care anymore!
Depression took over..
I couldn't image living without them
The only thing I have to remember them
by, is a picture and the letter they wrote to me..
I am still hurting as I write this today..
Now you must be wondering how long ago this was.
Well I'll answer that wonderful question.
It's been 6 years now...
They passed away the summer before 10th grade..
Which was in 2008...
To this day I have not gotten over this
I even started to wear gloves like they did.
With the fingers cut..
Just to feel closer to them..
To this day I still carry the letter with me
When I am sad it makes me feel better.
I am not sure if I will ever get over them
But I am sure I can move on with my life..
Just not sure when that's going to be..
I made a lot of bad choices
from this point forward..
Blaming the world for their death
Secluded myself from everyone..
Eventually I was feared...
Teachers and kids were afraid.
Afraid to talk to me..
Afraid I was going to kill them..
This reputation, suited me fine..
I just wanted to be left alone.
Eventually I found a passion.
A passion with computers..
I was happy I found something I was good at
Unfortunately it made people fear me more..
People blamed me for their computer problems
The school blamed me for crashing the computers.
Which I did.. But they had no proof.
Eventually I was sent to another school..
Not full time. Just half the day
Spent the first half of my day
at the one school that hated me..
The other half at this new school...
Within a month at this new school..
I was kicked out..
I guess broadcasting a classmates
screen to all the computers is a bad thing..
But that's a story for another time.

Well that's who I am..
A person who has nothing left to lose..
No family to be there for them
No one to care about..
It's a miracle I am still here today..
If it wasn't for music..
If it wasn't for computers..
I don't know where I would be today.

That's who I am..
So who are you?