guess this is a no

she rang me yesterday
said she’ll be in town  
asked if she could come by  
maybe stay a couple of nights  
and I said yes  
but she wouldn’t hear it  
said “wait a day or two, think about it, then call me”  
 
she wanted to know if I’d be nice to her  
I’m not always nice to her  
 
said I understood  
thought about it  
thought about the fucking  
thought about the bright colours she brings to my house  
thought about always knowing that she’s leaving  
just like me
probably part of why I like her  
and most of why I don’t  
 
only way to hold her down  
would be to bury her  
 
that’s gotta be the woman for me  
 
last time she stayed we had four days of perfect  
real playing-house shit
morning coffee
dinner parties
planted some garden crap
then the last night I kicked her out of my big bed  
for laying across me heavy  
 
sometimes I just can’t stomach people that close  
 
didn’t care how much good times we’d had  
got my lip curl on  
“get the fuck up woman”
and she did  
slept out on the couch with her dog  
and in the morning I left to go away awhile  
didn’t wake her
left a note with nothing human on it  
just something about locking all the windows  
careful to be cold  
 
when I got home a month later that note was still sitting on my table
she’d covered it in old cigarette butts
a good heap of them
 
I understood