half arsed nihilism

I love her like a cigarette
distastefully, and with a romantic notion
of killing myself slowly

She’s everything I want to be
and maybe could have been
in a different life
if I didn’t mind being found
murdered in a gutter
still wrapped around a bottle of gin

I’m too interested in self-preservation
to be a true nihilist
no matter how much the notion
turns me on

And I know she’ll never love me
the way I want, the way I need
to be loved
and there is a part of me
that doesn’t mind that I’m just
a warm body to pass the time

Because she lets me be broken
and even though I’m scared of losing
whatever edge keeps her here
I can’t help but let slip the mask
to let her see the parts of me
I know I’ll regret showing

There is power in our secrets
and I’m not yet tired of playing games
because they give me something to write about
when the nights are lonely
and cold and devoid
of the destruction I still dream about
but no longer straddle like a lover
waiting to be fucked

© Indie Adams 2014