deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Birthday Present
This evening the sun will not take its leave-
My moon will be your host & she will vanish in your arms,
Behold her strong & sincere because I am watching,
Her every comfort matters me and you are welcome for that.
She will ascend another step nearer to the crown-
A crown made of precious gems and I have crafted the same,
I am not time, I am not god, & I am her feeling of love,
Her every single wink that she enjoys in her life.
Sometime later the party will be over for you and me-
And she will not sleep the whole night unwrapping presents,
This is my wish for her; this is my present of eternity,
I am birth, I am bliss, & I am her happy birthday forever.
My moon will be your host & she will vanish in your arms,
Behold her strong & sincere because I am watching,
Her every comfort matters me and you are welcome for that.
She will ascend another step nearer to the crown-
A crown made of precious gems and I have crafted the same,
I am not time, I am not god, & I am her feeling of love,
Her every single wink that she enjoys in her life.
Sometime later the party will be over for you and me-
And she will not sleep the whole night unwrapping presents,
This is my wish for her; this is my present of eternity,
I am birth, I am bliss, & I am her happy birthday forever.
Published 16th Apr 2011
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comments 10
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The author encourages honest critique.
16th Apr 2011 2:43pm
i cannot pick a favourite line; all of them are just as moving and beautiful even a little mortifying!
thank you, thank you immensely :)
thank you, thank you immensely :)
18th Apr 2011 6:51am
In fact I am bluhing with my success after hearing such a comment from yours. My objective has been reached and I am so happy.
17th Apr 2011 6:02pm
18th Apr 2011 6:53am
Thanx a lot pretty...The romanticism has been acknowledged with such comments from you people and I am feeling at the top of the world:-)
18th Apr 2011 8:02am
18th Apr 2011 9:45am
Anonymous
- Edited 18th Apr 2011 5:33pm
18th Apr 2011 5:32pm
This is one of your finest poems, and with a few edits it could even rival some published writers, I think. For one, I'd suggest removing all the ampersands (&). They look sloppy in a poem as classical as this. Secondly, in the last line of the first verse you need a "to" in between "matters" and "me". Thirdly, I think putting "but spend" after "sleep" in the second line of the last verse would improve the cohesion there.
That said, your syntax is almost perfect this time around. You've come a hell of a long way, Anando.
My favourite line is the one where you describe the evening sun as unwrapping presents all night. That is an incredible metaphor.
That said, your syntax is almost perfect this time around. You've come a hell of a long way, Anando.
My favourite line is the one where you describe the evening sun as unwrapping presents all night. That is an incredible metaphor.
19th Apr 2011 7:16am
I think the biggest improvements that you can see in my recent works is because of your genuine comments and those helpful point-outs as in this one and in Toy-Shop. Well still I have to go a long way in fighting out those unnecessary ampersands which I am sure will soon be out of my life. Such insightful comments do only reform my works further. Thank you and continue my friend.
Anonymous
19th Apr 2011 4:23pm
I think you can still use ampersands, but only in less formal poems. Pieces such as this with a specific three four line verse structure require the utmost formality, whereas looser pieces could easily get away with ampersands.
20th Apr 2011 10:45am
You are absolutely right Jack. Thank you so much for letting me comppose such ones. I am feeling refined with such of your comments.
