Eternal

I miss your voice, your smile and laugh.
I miss talking to you on the phone for hours on end.
I miss the days when I was your "best friend"
and we were inseparable.

But most of all,
I miss the familiarity.

Sure, I have friends,
but will I ever tell them as much as I told you?
Probably not.
Do they really care about me as much as you did?
No. No they do not

When you left, you didn't just take a piece of me with you,
instead, you took massive chunks of my very being, of my soul;
parts that I can never get back ever again.

Every night I dream of you,
of the good times.
I always think of what I could have done differently
and all of the words I was just too afraid to say.
I always think of how close we once were,
I would have died for you if you had only said the word.

Every morning serves as a painful reminder,
that this constant empty feeling in my chest is permanent
and that this is actually my reality now.
And I can't decide which is worse...
knowing that I'm living in a nightmare that I'll never wake up from
or
that it's been six months and three days since you acknowledged my existence.

Granted, you told me you hated me
and that I am worthless
and that I should die
and that I deserve nothing but pain and to burn in hell.

But yet, I still love you so.
I love you as much as a sister could love a brother.
I love you as much as one could without any hint of romance.

So, please hate me if it makes you feel good.
Burn all of our pictures if that's what you want,
destroy our past together and I promise that I will too.
Punch me as hard as you can.
Kick me until I cough up and suffocate on my own blood-
PLEASE, JUST BE HAPPY.
God, I beg of you, please just be happy.

But do not be happy because I told you to.
I want you to be happy because I am not.
I want you to be happy because it's been six months and three days.
I want you to be haply because I love you so fucking much.
I want you to be happy because you're my brother.

I want you to be happy
because maybe
just maybe
if you're happy,
those broken off, irreplaceable pieces of me
will be too.

I know you hate me
but I love you.