What I Mean to Say (Letter to an unloyal friend)
Here I sit atop the three concrete steps preceding the front door, the unnatural orange streetlights and bleach white doorlamps burning unblinkingly, the nighttime more nostalgic than usual, and I wonder how many of us really have the ability to always say what we truly mean to say, in depth, with utter unimprovable accuracy. After ingesting a moment’s contemplation, I figure: perhaps none. To say it perfectly? And then what about effective reception? To say it perfectly and then to be entirely sure, though flawlessly conveyed, that it will be flawlessly heard and understood? It must be none, I think. And of course, I know (and I think we know) that I’ve always given extra effort to that endeavor… Regardless I readily forfeit that I also am one of those “none.”
And I wistfully sigh and think of the distance between us in past years; geographic distance, temporal, relational, communicative… I must tell you from my heart of hearts, though I should think you to already know, that I willed not any of it. Not any. And I know that it benefitted neither of us even a bit. I could say also that I believe I know why you would not answer my calls or return them for all that time, but I do not begrudge you for any of it. It is the same as in years past; my fidelity is not curbed; I merely desire restoration.
You know, I’ve been meaning to write this letter for some time but wasn’t exactly sure of what to say. That is not to say that I am exactly sure of it now but rather that I at least think I know generally how to say that I don’t know how to say it (though “it” is not a word meant to imply anything, nor is it a thing specially definable by me either now or, in probability, hereafter).
Anyway, you know how I like to preface. : )
Perhaps this whole thing is some kind of preface; perhaps the introduction will turn out to be the meat of it.
I desire for us all to be everything we were always meant to be. You know, I still know that our destinies are fused as we spoke of long ago. Remember when you, Alee, and I would speak of that? My heart is still with you, and I know there is still much for us to do together.
*Sigh…* I miss you dearly, and I love you. Perhaps that is all I’ve really wanted to say…