Keys

I am not happy with myself
For handing over keys
That I've kept so close to me
Stashed away secretly
I've worked hard to keep them safe
Undiscoverable without a trace
Time and effort such a waste
They weren't meant for display
Now look at what I've done
Given away more than one
I'll have myself only to blame
If I happen to lose this game
Sure I nearly lost the rest
But I did the job my best
I promised myself a life of protection
And I kept away from most deep attention
No I can't say that I didn't get hurt
Or that all of my problem solving methods worked
But I kept far from fire that could burn the most
And never let anyone get too close
I wanted connection so I let myself have it
But trusted the ones who could do the most damage
And the ones who wouldn't I kept at a distance
Skilled at deception they couldn't tell the difference
Pain was the consequence of wanting people
It made more sense to me to deal with evil
Familiar territory I'd been to before
Yes I'd be sad, but I could learn and explore
I allowed myself to interact though only on surface waters
At least I could find out all that connection offers!
There was no need to go beyond the shallow shores
Fought those desires that tried to make me search for more
But now because I withstood the currents so long
I'm willing to take them on because I think that I'm strong?
I really need to take a second and remember that if I'm wrong
I'll have to work from the ground up to rebuild all these walls
All this determination to defy and conquer fear
Has me forgetting what it took to get me here
I might be thinking but I'm not thinking clear
Emotion has the tendency to interfere
How could I throw away years of material meant to last?
Lessons draped in fabric constructed from the past
Destructive at its core but never indestructible
I made sure I could handle my carefully chosen trouble
But now that I decide to remove myself from isolation
I remember how they say the key is communication
But no one ever said you had to put the keys into it
Either an untold secret or a terrible mistake...
And I admit
I'm scared to find out which