Another Story About Me

I have to confess
my heart is such a mess
I'm going to be blunt
I have some thing I have to confront
first time I lost someone was my grandmother
then my brother me and my sister was taken from my mother
then I lost the uncles who stepped in and played dad
from then on I was so angry, so sad
no one got it until I moved to a new town
but it also got me so very down
back then I was so bitter and alone
my pain was something hidden deep and rarely shown
but now I'm crying at one forty five in the morning
making up for all my time lost without mourning
today I'l letting it all go
so listen as my pain I'm about to show:

my adopted mom got me in a bargain, she wanted my brother and sister
my dad was never around, so I had to settle with all my mom's new misters
I just wanted some love but they gave was shove after shove
Then I started hitting back
first time in juvy was at the age of thirteen, six charges of attack
then they took us all away
and away I chose to stay
though I tried to live with my adopted mom again
but they never asked once Carla how have you been?
no, no,no I've got to stop these tears
for here I am listing all my hidden fears
I've never done a single drug or drank alcohol
I'm not short but not tall
I've been beaten and I've been hit
by a mother everyone thought was so fit
I had to fight to survive
I was an intruder in the queens hive
I didn't serve her
so I was an outsider

my heat rotted inside my chest
though it continued living to it's best
dead I thought it was dead I thought still happened to be
until boys started taking a notice of me
didn't matter what I dressed like or who I pretended to be
they always seemed drawn to me
made everyone jealous and mad
which only made me even alone and sad
so often I was left alone
with hidden tears left unshown
counselors left looking like fools
boys left looking like tools
friends left looking so alone

then I met my foster family
they were the ones who took in and saved me
they took the time
made me realized I had more then paid for my crime
I fell in love then with a boy
who at the time treated me like an enemy
but he was fighting his own demons
so then our paths kept crossing.
he changed and so did I
boys came and boys went but in my heart
this was the boy who first broke it apart
there's a difference between pain caused by family and pain caused by a boy
then that boy turned into a man
now I fear he has changed while I remain the same
so much fear in one little broken heart
I'm afraid for myself
afraid that he won't love me anymore
I wish I could move on but that's not how my heart works
even while in the arms of other boys I wish it were him
but then there is me why am I in the arms of someone else
if I love him so much?
because sometimes he doesn't want me for months on end
and shit happens so why pretend that i'm something I'm not
I love him but I don't want to wait for his decision
so I run while he still cares enough to run after me
it prolongs the agony and hides the end
I can't run away now. the end I'm willing to face
a decision has to be made
we have to take a step away from each other for forever
or step close enough that no one can come between ever