Strippers In Houston

"All that ecstasy, mystery, and beauty was empty." Really? But you wrote a poem about it. I got the feeling you were trying to put a moral on this well written poem.

Broken as they come and in no rush to finish me off

So poignant. You capture raw humanity perfectly.  xo

You're describe me better then I ever could.
I'm in dept to your insight.  

great story. I've had some incredible revelations in strip joints...

I feel you man. They are one hell of an inspirational scene.  

A difficult transaction, and I don't mean the sex for money. Your poem touches on the stigma of this, and it's not just the general social view, is it? Something inside is off, as stated on your last two lines.

However, I disagree with the use of italics. Consider removing them, to give the readers some credit, and space to the power in the words.

Thank you for the piercing read.

It about a young man thinking the world of the strip clubs is something he wants, only to figure out he doesn't like it at all. It turns out making him sad even know to most guys my age, this would be a good night. It's kind of the The Catcher In The Rye prostitute scene.  

A poet told me to check out your stuff. From what I've seen so far, you show some potential, but you need to seriously work on your structure and story telling.
 
I've spent a bit of time rewriting your poem, but I think you can see how good structure has a huge impact on the flow. It's also critical when you include dialogue in your piece. I've also changed the ending, because the way you had written it was too predictable and weak. Every poem you write should start and finish strong.
 
Slipping me into a condom
she gave me a few bumps
and a blow job.
 
She told me I was cute
but we both knew it was just fluff
she wanted my money
and I wanted her beauty, no bullshit.
     
She was Asian
busty with juicy lips        
broken as they come
and in no rush to finish me off.
 
Eventually I came
then she asked me
if she gave great head.
I told her
you’re amazing
and so is your fucking mouth.
     
Licking her lips
she gave me a glance
and a smile, then she asked me
Want the rest of the blow to go?
 
Yes, Absolutely
I responded.
 
She told me she liked me
and scribed her digits
on the top of my arm.
You’re a charming kid...
you're different. We don't meet
too many romantics around here.
Call me sometime.
         
Last call was done
I floated out into the      
empty parking lot
alone.
 
I rubbed the number from my arm
until she disappeared.
I told her I'd call her,
but we both knew I wouldn't.

Thank you for taking the time to revamp my poem. I like your version much more then my own, and yes, seeing your's opened my eyes to the benefits of better structure. Currently, I don't know much about structure but it appears I should be doing some research and experimenting. Anyways, that was cool man. You brought out the power in my poem that I'd intend. Regardless, thank you again. You made my poem sound awesome!    

Thanks man, I'm glad you thought it was cool. Everyone else was hating. Give me a sec and I'll check your stuff out!

Anthony, I disagree. I don't believe anybody hated your poem, including myself. I think you had some cool lines, that's why I spent some time rearranging and restructuring your poem to give you some constructive feedback to go back and think about. I believe Atakti also raised some good points.

I think your capable of writing better, the lines were there, you just needed to work on it a bit more.

Sorry man. You're right. Commenting what I did was not very classy. I can just be a bit infantile at times. Thank you again for all the help. It much appreciated.