Dont trust your father

Don't trust father
My mother would always say that to me
Don't trust your father don't trust your father don't trust your father
Those words would spin around my head like the wheels of a bicycle. Turning and turning.
But I never understood what they meant.
Don't trust your father don't trust your father don't trust your father
Now that I'm older I realize I should have listened to her
Now that I'm older I remember all the little things he did that seemed like no big deal at the time
but now are the things I think about the most
when he seemed to disappear in the crowds
Of public places
Or when he'd bribe me with candy,
Not to tell anyone his secrets

He’s a criminal, a criminal, a criminal
My father was a criminal
Theft, embezzlement, drugs, alcohol, lies
So many lies he drowned in them.
Suffocated in his tailor made suits and dark cologne
The kind of criminal who hides behind the mask of a businessman
Criminal, criminal, criminal
I could handle that just fine, CAN handle it just fine.
It's the same old cliché, douche bag dad abandons his family for money and drugs
Abandon, abandon, abandon, abandon
I get stuck on that one every time.
Abandon, abandon, abandon
I suppose everyone, every man, woman and child
Feels this pain when they are lost
But know they will never be found.
Abandon, abandon, Lost
I can handle that too. I'm older now stronger
But my dad, My father, that man just had to be different than the rest
That man was a rapist
Rape, rape, rape, rape, rape
Now its fixed in there and it won't come out. There is no escape from it, from him. I am the daughter of a rapist, the fruit of a poisoned tree. A spawn of disgusting horror. His blood runs through my veins and there isn't a thing I can do about it.
I am half of him....criminal, rapist, criminal
Those thoughts will always be there , lingering.

I can't help but think what if I end up like him?
I've stolen things (I won't lie).
I've hurt people with my voice, just like he did.
But what if I take another step? What if I really hurt someone?
Rape, rape, rape,rape,rape, rape

If I say it out loud, it'll hang in the air, like the last note of Fur Elise.
I imagine I am the musician and my fingers are playing the notes of the keys that make up my life. The audience is mixed, their stares stab at me and the cheers lift me. They are family, friends, enemies...the lot.
But the roses...the beautiful roses are my hope when they land on the stage at my feet.
I am not my father, I am not my father, I am it my father.
This mantra will stay with me forever....I will keep moving forward.
I am not my father, I am not my father, I am not my father, I am not my father.
I am strong.