deepundergroundpoetry.com
Beings
The inverted beings of we,
Monatomic gases in crosswalks,
Whistling and striding,
Smiling and dreaming;
Shivering,
Invading materials rapidly,
Blazing aggregates,
Making the steel of stone,
Capsules of time
Making sense of the bone,
Wasting,
Countless agave;
Hyper realistic strokes,
The machines of van Gogh
What else could we do?
What else could we be?
Monatomic gases in crosswalks,
Whistling and striding,
Smiling and dreaming;
Shivering,
Invading materials rapidly,
Blazing aggregates,
Making the steel of stone,
Capsules of time
Making sense of the bone,
Wasting,
Countless agave;
Hyper realistic strokes,
The machines of van Gogh
What else could we do?
What else could we be?
Published 8th Apr 2014
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comments 4
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
9th Apr 2014 7:31pm
I love this poem. I love the criticism and the metaphors. The lines "Hyper relistic strokes/The machines of van Gogh" were amazing. To me, those lines captured the essence of this poem the best.
I feel that the two question are questionable to be at the end. They can make your poem either stronger or weaker. And personally, I think a little weaker.
I feel that the two question are questionable to be at the end. They can make your poem either stronger or weaker. And personally, I think a little weaker.
Your perspective as a practical poet is awesome. I come up with this ending and wanted to know what you think:
"We name the three kids,
Hoping the sound will carry."
Going with notions that we name children according to phonetics.
"We name the three kids,
Hoping the sound will carry."
Going with notions that we name children according to phonetics.
13th Apr 2014 5:03pm
It's a interesting concept (naming based on phonetics and possible child limitations) but I feel that those new lines could be in their own poem. I get the relevance but I feel that they doesn't quite fit. It's really up to you, for only you know what this poem is truly about.
13th Apr 2014 8:39pm
