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When you know your an alchy

The first time I got fucked up I drank until I puked and couldn't wait to do it again
I never felt like my skin fit my whole life.
I could feel alone in a room full of people
Alcohol made all that melt away.
Subconsciously I thought to myself all those years ago
"This is what I need to level the playing field in life"
To me alcoholism is not drunkenness, its the guy
at his kids soccer game sober as a priest
feeling restless, irritable and discontent and
thinking everyone is talking about him behind his back,
feeling guilty as hell that he is wishing it would rain so he can go home
and once again get the relief that booze will bring him.
We become hooked on that temporary relief from the fear factory in our own brain..
Doing it again and again each time plotting ways to one day get it under control.
In truth we never can.
Being able to one day control it is the one thing most alchys are obsessed with.
After many years of trying to beat the game and control it I have given up.
If i have a drink Im fucked.
Im not playing that game anymore.
   
Written by oddman
Published
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