deepundergroundpoetry.com
untitled
Sitting here watching you from the corner
as you suck the poison from that cigarette.
how do you do it?
keep that compsure
as if you hadn't just betrayed me
strike me down,
make me feel like an utter abomination.
take that smirk off your face
like i would go back to you.
walking to me you expect me to stand,
greet you as if nothing happened.
guess what???
This....
I say as I thrust a knife
directly into your heart....if you had one.
as you suck the poison from that cigarette.
how do you do it?
keep that compsure
as if you hadn't just betrayed me
strike me down,
make me feel like an utter abomination.
take that smirk off your face
like i would go back to you.
walking to me you expect me to stand,
greet you as if nothing happened.
guess what???
This....
I say as I thrust a knife
directly into your heart....if you had one.
Published 6th Mar 2011
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6th Mar 2011 4:07am
a delicious slice of raw rage
suck the poison from that cigarette is music to my eyes
suck the poison from that cigarette is music to my eyes
6th Mar 2011 4:11am
Anonymous
- Edited 6th Mar 2011 11:15pm
6th Mar 2011 10:47pm
I'm sorry but the syntax here is just terrible. The first two lines are promising, but then you seem to stop trying and just blunder on without pause. Here's a list of your mistakes and the appropriate corrections:
*"keep that composer" - "compsure"
*"as if you hadn't just betray me" - "betrayed me"
*"let i would go back to you" - "like i would..."? I think that's what you were going for here. Also, since you put the singular "I" in upper case elsewhere so it should be here.
That and the story is all over the map. There's no clear progression of events. Just a rattling off of cliches which ends in pointless violence. A stabbing is only shocking when the reader cares about the people involved, what led up to the incident and so forth. In short, shock has to be earned. Me simply saying "I stabbed someone" in a poem isn't shocking, for instance.
I'd suggest going back to the drawing board, deciding on a structure for this piece, figuring out what you want to say and saying it in as concise a way as possible. And also run your work through a spellchecker once you've finished and do an edit for grammatical mistakes.
*"keep that composer" - "compsure"
*"as if you hadn't just betray me" - "betrayed me"
*"let i would go back to you" - "like i would..."? I think that's what you were going for here. Also, since you put the singular "I" in upper case elsewhere so it should be here.
That and the story is all over the map. There's no clear progression of events. Just a rattling off of cliches which ends in pointless violence. A stabbing is only shocking when the reader cares about the people involved, what led up to the incident and so forth. In short, shock has to be earned. Me simply saying "I stabbed someone" in a poem isn't shocking, for instance.
I'd suggest going back to the drawing board, deciding on a structure for this piece, figuring out what you want to say and saying it in as concise a way as possible. And also run your work through a spellchecker once you've finished and do an edit for grammatical mistakes.
