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A Couple of Poems To Tanya, Written In The Past Few Days

~~~ I Never Thought~~~

In the darkness I scream her name,

Tanya,

my first friend in this life
the one I thought to be queen
the girl I envied,

time is bastard who steals dreams
I am sorry for not being there when you needed me,

life of the party, always laughing
I never thought about you not existing
I thought you, everlasting,
goddamned pedestals,

"hey girl wanna play"
echoes throughout my broken and taped up heart
it bring tears to eyes that swore to never cry,

Tanya

I will never understand this decision
I can not fathom why, you were golden, you shined
so many inside jokes left inside of only me

I went to your house the moment I found out
and I wept on your snow covered lawn,
you were supposed to be forever,

Tanya

I'll never believe you killed yourself,
I cant, neither can your family,
your Nana and Bumpa your brothers
and your poor mother,

Tanya

we miss you





~~~Really?~~~

For once I have no words
they elude me like your reasoning,
I will never know, what the hell it was
you were thinking,
heaven help me digest this mess,
like your head,
I have a hole in my chest
I do hope you are at peace
but please note I can not sleep
and neither can your mother.





~~~Did you know~~~

You can not smack
a corpse in the face
that has been cremated
.




~~~Cheating Life~~~

it is the darkest of absolutes
one I had not envisioned
not for you, I envied you
you were all I could ever hope to be
and I struggle with this ugly truth,
the strongest most courageous person I know
took a gun and shot herself in the face,
on her neighbors lawn,

"Hey girl wanna play"
her first words to me,
solidifying a life of friendship
we were 4, now we are 36
I weep as I type this,
Tanya, I miss you
you were always there for me
and I wish I had been there for you,
I never would have pictured this your fate
nor wished such upon you,

Why does the darkness take one there?
this world was already lonely,
and now it's a stark barren wasteland without you,
and everyone else who wishes to cheat us out of them
who believes dying will cure it,
yet never once realizing the horrors they leave behind
for those of us who loved them to live with.




~~~I Should Have Called~~~

As life would have it the phone was always to heavy
it must have been, because I never picked it up,
where was my brain where was my heart,
how did I not know, how could I not feel,
your pain and anguish, was I to wrapped up in myself
was I just blind, or were you the greatest actress,
smiling on set, only to weep in the solace of your bedroom,
devastated by this horrific final act of yours,
I can not get you off my mind, and those damn simple first words
that sealed a lifetime of friendship, now haunt me.
"Hey girl wanna play" the same loop plays over and over
and I do not want it to stop, because in that moment
we are four and we have our whole lives ahead of us.




~~~Make Them Shut Up~~~

Your death is out weighing your life
everyone saying "did you hear how Tanya died"
no one mentioning how you lived,
I want to scream, but I cry instead.





~~~ In The Thick Of it~~~

The air was to thick to breathe
so you shot yourself and died
what now?
absolutely nothing.



Tanya was my first friend in this life I met her when I was four, I am now almost 37, she was the toughest girl in school and the wittiest bitch I knew, her death is a total shock to my system, she was not suicidal, I didn't think so, neither did her family, she never said she wanted to die, nor even made an attempt before this, she was funny and she was beautiful with hair like silk and eyes bluer then the sky, she had it all, or so I thought. I will never understand this, I can't, she would never have killed herself, and yet she did, what was so fucking bad? what was it? how dare she have the balls to shot herself and not live another fucking day, waves of sadness and anger encompass me.
Written by nikkimoe
Published
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