deepundergroundpoetry.com
Death
How will you cheat Death?
I won't
For I choose to face Death straight on
And when Death arrives fumed and charged like an angry bull
I will look him in the eye
And laugh as he tries to take my life
Never will I surrender
And like an everlasting storm
I will fight until Death's gnarled hands drag me to my grave
Fight until I have but one last breath
Only then will you feel my last wrath
As I fall and drag you into hell with me
I won't
For I choose to face Death straight on
And when Death arrives fumed and charged like an angry bull
I will look him in the eye
And laugh as he tries to take my life
Never will I surrender
And like an everlasting storm
I will fight until Death's gnarled hands drag me to my grave
Fight until I have but one last breath
Only then will you feel my last wrath
As I fall and drag you into hell with me
Published 2nd Mar 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 2
comments 2
reads 955
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Mar 2011 8:15pm
The opening stanza is stunning and sets the poem up. Second stanza works really well (although looks like you got a problem with the words 'tries' & 'to'.
Third stanza can be read awkwardly, the lack of a comma after the first line allows the reader to stumble into the second line and assume it follows the sentence from the first line, thus making it read:
'Never will I surrender like an everlasting storm'...which isn't what you mean at all. How about:
Never will I surrender,
And like an everlasting storm
I will blah blah blah.
Fourth stanza, might need a tweak. You've spent all poem telling how death will have to practically drag you to your grave and you'll fight all the way, but suddenly in your last stanza, you'll close your eyes and go peacefully. I think you need to add something in, like:
Fight until I have but one last breath
Only then will you feel my final wrath
as I fall and drag you into hell with me.
That isn't a great ending, but it took me 10 seconds, it is just an example.
I liked the poem by the way...especially that opening stanza (which I may have to buy from you for my band)
Hooded
Third stanza can be read awkwardly, the lack of a comma after the first line allows the reader to stumble into the second line and assume it follows the sentence from the first line, thus making it read:
'Never will I surrender like an everlasting storm'...which isn't what you mean at all. How about:
Never will I surrender,
And like an everlasting storm
I will blah blah blah.
Fourth stanza, might need a tweak. You've spent all poem telling how death will have to practically drag you to your grave and you'll fight all the way, but suddenly in your last stanza, you'll close your eyes and go peacefully. I think you need to add something in, like:
Fight until I have but one last breath
Only then will you feel my final wrath
as I fall and drag you into hell with me.
That isn't a great ending, but it took me 10 seconds, it is just an example.
I liked the poem by the way...especially that opening stanza (which I may have to buy from you for my band)
Hooded
2nd Mar 2011 10:57pm
Thank You sooo much for the feedback and I really appreciate your help!
~Dark Poet
~Dark Poet
