deepundergroundpoetry.com
it's a run, it's a relay, but it's far from a race
caught her crying
she told me there is a beauty
which is bought from a risk
that when taken can't be redeemed
i couldn't have loved her more
but she was sublime in her indifference
everything is love she said
love not quite requited
and if it was we wouldn't be alive
she bought me a round
sang me a song
and let the length of her skirt
set upon my foot for a second too long
i dissolved while retaining a sense of self
so inclusive, that it is simply not suitable
for the routine that we agree is reality
she started talking to another man
as i felt tears collect where I see
she kissed me goodbye
with a beauty
bought from risk
she told me there is a beauty
which is bought from a risk
that when taken can't be redeemed
i couldn't have loved her more
but she was sublime in her indifference
everything is love she said
love not quite requited
and if it was we wouldn't be alive
she bought me a round
sang me a song
and let the length of her skirt
set upon my foot for a second too long
i dissolved while retaining a sense of self
so inclusive, that it is simply not suitable
for the routine that we agree is reality
she started talking to another man
as i felt tears collect where I see
she kissed me goodbye
with a beauty
bought from risk
Published 27th Feb 2014
| Edited 28th Feb 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 822
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
27th Feb 2014 9:54pm
This has some kinda goodness....but (aint there always a but....)what you mean, and what the reader can read, are different things;
caught her crying (line break to cement this image)
she said "there is a beauty
bought from a risk
that can't be redeemed"
the meaning here is not clear, and so the reader sorta goes hmmmmm, and reads on, but this is your set-up line, so you can't leave it ambiguous...
the reader can see several options;
beauty bought from a risk that can't be redeemed
beauty bought, from risk that can't be redeemed
beauty bought, from a risk, that can't be redeemed
do you see that, read differently, either the risk or the beauty might be the thing that can't be redeemed?
Good writing is where you paint a scene or idea and let the reader's mind fill out the gaps with their own life and experiences....less than good writing is when the framework isn't firm enough for us to hang anything on....
The middle piece of the poem is entirely decent, and deserves a tighter end/beginning.
I think this is the poem;
i couldn't have loved her more
but she was sublime in her indifference
everything is love she said
love not quite requited
and if it was we wouldn't be alive
she bought me a round
sang me a song
and let the length of her skirt
set upon my foot for a second too long
i dissolved while retaining a sense of self
so inclusive, that it is simply not suitable
for the routine that we agree is reality
she started talking to another man
as i felt tears collect where I see
she kissed me goodbye
with a beauty
bought from a risk
You are carving just fine baby....just thought you'd like the two cents....
hh
caught her crying (line break to cement this image)
she said "there is a beauty
bought from a risk
that can't be redeemed"
the meaning here is not clear, and so the reader sorta goes hmmmmm, and reads on, but this is your set-up line, so you can't leave it ambiguous...
the reader can see several options;
beauty bought from a risk that can't be redeemed
beauty bought, from risk that can't be redeemed
beauty bought, from a risk, that can't be redeemed
do you see that, read differently, either the risk or the beauty might be the thing that can't be redeemed?
Good writing is where you paint a scene or idea and let the reader's mind fill out the gaps with their own life and experiences....less than good writing is when the framework isn't firm enough for us to hang anything on....
The middle piece of the poem is entirely decent, and deserves a tighter end/beginning.
I think this is the poem;
i couldn't have loved her more
but she was sublime in her indifference
everything is love she said
love not quite requited
and if it was we wouldn't be alive
she bought me a round
sang me a song
and let the length of her skirt
set upon my foot for a second too long
i dissolved while retaining a sense of self
so inclusive, that it is simply not suitable
for the routine that we agree is reality
she started talking to another man
as i felt tears collect where I see
she kissed me goodbye
with a beauty
bought from a risk
You are carving just fine baby....just thought you'd like the two cents....
hh
27th Feb 2014 10:06pm
totally digging the two cents
gonna hack at it when I got more time
much appreciation man
gonna hack at it when I got more time
much appreciation man
28th Feb 2014 4:45am
"i couldn't have loved her more
but she was sublime in her indifference"
A gem, right there.
I read hemi's take on this, I see his point. I will be interested to see just what you decide to carve.
but she was sublime in her indifference"
A gem, right there.
I read hemi's take on this, I see his point. I will be interested to see just what you decide to carve.
28th Feb 2014 2:36pm
thank you atakti ... tried cleaning a bit - honestly there is a big unsaid issue here that I haven't quite resolved and when I do I think the write will make more sense, at least I think ill be able to write it w more sense
your thoughts are very much appreciated
your thoughts are very much appreciated
