thank you for being there for me

i'm cringing
so much whinging
and from me

looking back makes the sadness attack
that I could let something take me over like that

clear headed with open eyes
looking back at all my lies
there was something deep inside
that made my real voice run and hide

I was in pain
but i'm always in pain
just my willpower wasn't the same
I tried and tried but it seemed in vain

head trauma clouded me
shrouded me in misery
forgot how to speak
it just got worse by the week

i'm making excuses
that's why i'm useless
there's no reason
nobody's making me do this

a life of moderation seemed an impossible expectation
i'm obsessed with something all the time
always have to make the impossible mine

when I was clean I wanted to be on the cover of a men's health magazine
was gonna grow bigger than jay cutler, trying to get hooked up with flex wheeler's supplement dealer
lifting weights all day and measuring what I ate
counted to the gram before it touched my plate

living at the gym
could not commit a sin if I was too busy pushing tin
that was my solution
fuck resolutions I just went somewhere the bottle couldn't follow

but then I got all popular
personal trainers get way too many favors
I was fucking my flatmate but that was a stalemate and the bodies of gym bunnies are like two steps past great so I started to contemplate all the girls i'd like to date

and I did

six at one time
was stressful as hell but I didn't mind
and then on my 18th I went out for drinks
came back home and didn't touch it for weeks
but that night wasn't right
it set off the little voice in my mind
the devil on my shoulder

didn't listen
knew it would fuck with my lifting and that was still my main addiction
but then everything started shifting
went to get my t tested kuz I wasn't seeing them gains
bought some gin the night before and drunk myself to the floor in the hopes my figures would be low so the doctors would feel the need to give me more.

that was a mistake
what a pleasurable escape
I forgot why I stopped
I remember drinking all through school
but I don't really remember why I stopped drinking you
and now this feeling has my floating past the ceiling

but it fucks with gains so back in the cupboard

two weeks went by
then the bottle caught my eye
why not? I start early and I work late my job is stressful and I get no comfort from anything I ate so why shouldn't I pour myself a glass of escape

so I escaped
walked right through the gate
why should I go home?
it's not as nice as this place

my body doesn't fit through the gate
it's a mental escape
while the people on earth are left with a stumbling dead weight

two bottles of bacardi
for me
andy's party
maybe some for Lacey if she wants to come play with me

and then it interfered with work
so hungover
then one day it's over
I quit
ended it
my job not the drink
don't be daft, my new nickname is 'the sink'

now i'm a builder
work drink
fuck play
simple
perpetual holiday

that was fine
if I had stayed there I imagine I would have remained the same station for all my life
but circumstance intervened again
in hindsight this time it was my friend

new country, new start
albeit with a broken heart
wrestling with depression made stronger until I started asking how much longer
the head trauma crept up and everything went to fuck
insomnia robbed me of the character that used to belong to me
went to the doctor and he played me
clever dick, had me hooked on six pills before I could say shit

he says "it's gonna help" the rest of that sentence would be 'escalate my wealth'
but who am I to question an expert of health
lost myself in a sea of medication
swimming for the shore but drowning in hesitation

fashioned a boat out of weed
that was my attempt at saving me
if I could stop being a doctor whore and fucking find an oar I wouldn't have to put up with this shit anymore
full steam ahead, puffing to the shore
the skies lights up above me as the clouds thunder and roar

drifting into a lagoon
the serenity is amazing
i've never felt so content as I do when I am blazing
the reeds rustle in the wind as I float down the pond of green
lost in eddies
time sails by entwined with the stars above my head
exploring the galaxy from the comfort of my bed

it was the view from above
a cosmonaut I am surely not but the universe has shared many of her dirty secrets with me
caressed me and blessed me with the gift of perspective
my time in flight has shaped me
changed me
my ideologies are no longer the same
I've met true pain
gone slow in the fast lane
fast in the slow lane
either way it's a losing game

and now it's full circle
two years ago you would have been talking to this me, differently but more or less a stripped down clean andy
fitness freak
that's just me
now i'm putting my focus on becoming an olympic athlete
it's insanity but that's the only thing that makes sense to me
i'm obsessed, i'm possessed
pleading guilty to murder in the first degree, just killed my workout and it's only the first week
i'm addicted, I can't help it but I might as well make my passion count a bit
so until the next time we speak
thank you Deep Underground Poetry x