coalesce

It's an oldie; thought I'd air her tits a smidgen.

Just noticing, which I didn't before, that bit 'I am undiscovered'. Which reads in this really good nudgingly funny way, it feels a bit tongue-in-cheek, but where it's placed - behind and after the window, means it has the option of just meaning 'hidden', and so the funniness is just the perfect amount and not too much. Also, noticing too how for the first few lines there's an absent body, which I really like, because then the words seem to build up steadily a body or an image of one, which is clever because words are sly like that and it seems to be making a point of it. Maybe that's all reading too much into this, because the best things about this poem is the toothbrush, it's The Toothbrush Poem. It was Sylvia Plath who said novels have toothbrushes in them, and that poetry didn't have space for that kind of thing. Rubbish, really. :) I wish there was a toothbrush somewhere towards the end of the poem, too. Or something like a toothbrush. Because the details grow out big into sky and morning and despair in the last lines, I think some little detail would outline them more, in a really clear way.

There's certainly a lightness, if only because of the skewed syntax. It come regardless of content. It's a poem that is too much about the poem maybe. Well life is full of toothbrushes and sporks, but in poetry people want to escape that, unless it's some kind of metaphorshit: "I measured my life in coffee spoons", or whatever. That's an unreal disaster of a line to me. You know what they say about two words the same in a poem? Or using the word I. I'da been strung up by the don't-step-on-the-cracks-club.

i was gonna say MR A this feels familiar....

good piece to resurrect..........

Not sure I ever posted it before, but cheers, man. You still liked it.

Ah, Mr A

took me a couple of reads, I hated it first read cos of the said skewed syntax and crazy line breaks, felt like you were simply taking the piss.

Merda's comment brought me back to the start and I re read, I'm glad I didn't just fuck off mumbling 'what the fuck has he been smoking'

I do think though that had you adhered to a more conventional structure that the poem would read a lot better, but then it would lose it's origonality, so I appreciate your method and tip my cap to your spunk

..haha jaysus, don't take that the wrong way :)

good stuff man, shine on

well since you've suddenly  
brought yourself
to my attention, so to speak, I really feel  
I should stand and salute,
since this is good stuff ..

in fact I've just read it again
and it's an excellent write ..

cheers and hey. if you say it's good stuff I'll not argue. just don't delve farther into my backlog here haha.