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Dealing with this Feeling

I wake up every day feeling optimistic, but as the day progresses I get more realistic! Trying to deal with pain and pleasure separately, can't seperate the two so instead I'm hanging on desperately!
Its been 21 years but it still feels like last night, that dad got shot and he stepped into the light! Watched as my daddy died but didn't look into his casket, I'm still haunted by it daily like I can't get past it!
No-one will ever understand how I'm dealing with this feeling, searching for an answer and looking for a meaning! Still looking for a road that can lead me to healing. No-one will understand the depth of what I'm feeling.
I can't find anything or anyone to console me, surrounded by so many yet I'm still feeling lonely! Thank God for the few I can call homey. I've got a few who's always been true, but even they don't really know me! When you made me the best man at your wedding, you inspired me and gave me a reason to carry on through the blood and tears that I be shedding!
I hope to God that it all gets better, make me turn a suicide note into a love letter! Still looking for the "one", and not stopping until I get her. I hope to God that some day this will all get better!
No-one will ever understand how I'm dealing with this feeling, searching for an answer and looking for a meaning! Still looking for a road that can lead me to healing. No-one will understand the depth of what I'm feeling.
Never thought I would ever, for a second even consider, aiming at the mirror and about to pull the trigger! Something held me back and helped me to remember, the promise to my son that I never will surrender! Still, I can't shake the feeling that prematurely I will die, I know its coming, I just don't know when or why. I'm not afraid to die, just not ready yet for my place up in the sky. Daddy still here, son...so there's no need for you to cry. Can't give you the whole world but I promise I can try! If anything, I give u this, my promise to stay your hero, your father, the super-dad that can fly, and to be honest and open and never hurt you a with a lie!
No-one will ever understand how I'm dealing with this feeling, searching for an answer and looking for a meaning! Still looking for a road that can lead me to healing. No-one will understand the depth of what I'm feeling.
Sometimes this life has me feeling like a sad clown, smiling on the outside, but inside the shit's all upside down. I always try to stay on track, getting myself out of the gutter and I'm never going back! And even when it feels like I'm going crazy, my mind is all clouded n hazy, I can't let it faze me so I learnt how to make it look easy...I've seen it all before, nothing seems strange. It's the same shit over n over, I wonder will it ever change? I can only wait and hope that it will, since I gotta stick around for my kid, I guess I've got some time to kill.
Poppin' pills n powders, lighting pipes chasing uppers and downers...trying to drown my pain but feels like a migraine or a head trauma, dealing with the drama from my baby mama. Until I find a better way, its just the same shit, different day. Why can't I find me a girl with whom I can face it all, one who's not afraid to start small. I'll treasure her smile, I'll go down on my knee, to see her walk towards me down the isle. We can fly together into forever and only when we find love...only in love will we fall! Dear GOD, here I am kneeling, facing the ceiling, stuck dealing with all these feelings...
Written by Xception2dRule
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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