deepundergroundpoetry.com
The First Time
We sat in quiet whispers--resigned and frozen
To the wrought-iron slats--
Shoulders touching, knees barely bumping,
Shivering in the sojourn of our anxious intentions...
We were in default 'wait-mode'
And it was the waiting that tinged the tension.
You referred to me as your 'Jaded Juliet'--
Impulsive innocence of perfect porcelain,
Protected within my world of privilege and power...
All feigned sophistication at fourteen.
I regarded you as a renegade--
A rogue in Romeo's guise aloof, un-attainable;
I longed for your street-smart savvy swagger,
Thought of you as my iron-hearted hero at fifteen.
We huddled with few words--motionless for hours,
Wrapped in false facades of our uncomfortable indifference...
Feelings and fingers entwined in the fantasy realms
Of our imagined lust and nervous satisfaction.
My head at war with my heart--fidgety and flustered,
In that feet twisting, breath-hitching moment of madness,
With the cold creeping into my words of nauseating embarrassment,
I brandished them as loud, unwieldy weapons of awkward.
I blurted out 'I love you' and meant it...
To sodium arcs reflected in your copper eyes,
Staring transfixed as brilliant uncircculated pennies--
Marveling at the 297 ways to make change for one dollar,
But absolutely no way to alter those words.
Suspended--swirling and writhing as wraiths
They floated as feathery plumes of breath--
Within the icy-silver stillness
Scheduled snow fell as the hush between us.
(For A.J.--wherever he may be....)
Entered in the Opposite Categorie's Comp.
(Observational/Story)
To the wrought-iron slats--
Shoulders touching, knees barely bumping,
Shivering in the sojourn of our anxious intentions...
We were in default 'wait-mode'
And it was the waiting that tinged the tension.
You referred to me as your 'Jaded Juliet'--
Impulsive innocence of perfect porcelain,
Protected within my world of privilege and power...
All feigned sophistication at fourteen.
I regarded you as a renegade--
A rogue in Romeo's guise aloof, un-attainable;
I longed for your street-smart savvy swagger,
Thought of you as my iron-hearted hero at fifteen.
We huddled with few words--motionless for hours,
Wrapped in false facades of our uncomfortable indifference...
Feelings and fingers entwined in the fantasy realms
Of our imagined lust and nervous satisfaction.
My head at war with my heart--fidgety and flustered,
In that feet twisting, breath-hitching moment of madness,
With the cold creeping into my words of nauseating embarrassment,
I brandished them as loud, unwieldy weapons of awkward.
I blurted out 'I love you' and meant it...
To sodium arcs reflected in your copper eyes,
Staring transfixed as brilliant uncircculated pennies--
Marveling at the 297 ways to make change for one dollar,
But absolutely no way to alter those words.
Suspended--swirling and writhing as wraiths
They floated as feathery plumes of breath--
Within the icy-silver stillness
Scheduled snow fell as the hush between us.
(For A.J.--wherever he may be....)
Entered in the Opposite Categorie's Comp.
(Observational/Story)
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likes 17
reading list entries 1
comments 31
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Re: The First Time
3rd Feb 2014 1:27am
Jaysus, first stanza brought memory or two, can only speak for myself but the similarity is uncanny, the awkwardness, guilt, excitement.. It's all there written exquisite
some might say a little over punctuated, some excess ellipses and such things, minor maybe
you held your voice well, and paced your thoughts, chose your words just as well, which is hard enough to do over multiple stanzas
your words are relatable honest and have a vulnerability about them that keeps them pure.
best o luck in the comp Enchanted one
shine on
some might say a little over punctuated, some excess ellipses and such things, minor maybe
you held your voice well, and paced your thoughts, chose your words just as well, which is hard enough to do over multiple stanzas
your words are relatable honest and have a vulnerability about them that keeps them pure.
best o luck in the comp Enchanted one
shine on
0
re: Re: The First Time
3rd Feb 2014 1:46am
My Friend,
I hope that re-living your memories
didn't result in too much discomfort, for you! (gol!)
I am pleased that you were able to 'feel' ALl those emotions that are associated with one's first expression of love! This was my intended purpose.
Umm....you may be right about some of the punctuation. I sometimes tend to write, as I am thinking of how the poem might be read aloud. Perhaps i should rethink the marks, a bit! :)
I truly appreciate the time you took read my piece,your considerate well-wishes, and your thoughtful, much too generous comments! ALL mean so much to me!
Go raibh maith agat,mo Chara!
I hope that re-living your memories
didn't result in too much discomfort, for you! (gol!)
I am pleased that you were able to 'feel' ALl those emotions that are associated with one's first expression of love! This was my intended purpose.
Umm....you may be right about some of the punctuation. I sometimes tend to write, as I am thinking of how the poem might be read aloud. Perhaps i should rethink the marks, a bit! :)
I truly appreciate the time you took read my piece,your considerate well-wishes, and your thoughtful, much too generous comments! ALL mean so much to me!
Go raibh maith agat,mo Chara!
Re: The First Time
3rd Feb 2014 2:34am
perhaps I come at it from
a different tradition, but I
find the punctuation a way
of hearing the sound, an
aid not a hindrance...oh and
I love this..:)
a different tradition, but I
find the punctuation a way
of hearing the sound, an
aid not a hindrance...oh and
I love this..:)
0
re: Re: The First Time
3rd Feb 2014 3:15am
paul,
i thank you, truly, for spending time in my realm, and for your gracious comments! All are most appreciated!
Regarding punctuation, i believe that there will always be mixed feelings considering its usage. Just like interpretations, it will undoubtedly remain subjective...a personal preference. I, too, feel that punctuation enhances the sound quality. But as it is stated. "to each his(her)own." ;)
Your faithful following means ever so much to me, my friend! :)
i thank you, truly, for spending time in my realm, and for your gracious comments! All are most appreciated!
Regarding punctuation, i believe that there will always be mixed feelings considering its usage. Just like interpretations, it will undoubtedly remain subjective...a personal preference. I, too, feel that punctuation enhances the sound quality. But as it is stated. "to each his(her)own." ;)
Your faithful following means ever so much to me, my friend! :)
Re: The First Time
Anonymous
3rd Feb 2014 7:27am
very good
0
re: Re: The First Time
3rd Feb 2014 1:30pm
I would like to thank you for taking the time to read, and, comment on my poem! Both are sincerely appreciated--to be certain!
i am always glad to have a new visitor within my realm! Please know that you are always welcome!
i am always glad to have a new visitor within my realm! Please know that you are always welcome!
Re: The First Time
Enchantress, you've captured the sweet innocence of a young love perfectly. It's funny how vivid those moments of touch and nervousness are cemented in our memories.
You've demonstrated your skill as a writer to tell a story and hook the reader. The frequent use of alliteration gives the stanzas nice momentum... and the imagery you weave in your lines is subtle, but brilliant.
"Suspended--swirling and writhing as wraiths
They floated as feathery plumes of breath--
Within the icy-silver stillness
Scheduled snow fell as the hush between us."
That last stanza rocks!
You've demonstrated your skill as a writer to tell a story and hook the reader. The frequent use of alliteration gives the stanzas nice momentum... and the imagery you weave in your lines is subtle, but brilliant.
"Suspended--swirling and writhing as wraiths
They floated as feathery plumes of breath--
Within the icy-silver stillness
Scheduled snow fell as the hush between us."
That last stanza rocks!
0
re: Re: The First Time
3rd Feb 2014 2:03pm
Alexander,
Well...umm..i just don't know quite what to say...
I am so honored, and humbled, by your very generous comments! (You are making me blush!)
It really is amazing how those certain moments of first love remain etched within our memories...especially the most embarrassing ones! :)
Thank you so much for your on-going support, my Friend! You are always appreciated!
Well...umm..i just don't know quite what to say...
I am so honored, and humbled, by your very generous comments! (You are making me blush!)
It really is amazing how those certain moments of first love remain etched within our memories...especially the most embarrassing ones! :)
Thank you so much for your on-going support, my Friend! You are always appreciated!
Re: The First Time
4th Feb 2014 1:41am
This was like reading a fairy-tale story for me as I never experienced anything like this. It was good to read it through my own glass darkly as I felt your personal experience. I say not with regret or self-pity that I have no idea what it is like to have such an experience. Absence of experience forms the person too.
The language of your poem did sweep me away. And maybe just maybe gave my interior a heartfelt glimpse--
The language of your poem did sweep me away. And maybe just maybe gave my interior a heartfelt glimpse--
0
re: Re: The First Time
4th Feb 2014 3:54am
Awww....My Friend,
Thank you so much for such heartfelt comments!
I truly appreciate the time you took to visit, and for the time you took to read, and to leave your thoughts beneath my poem! ALL are appreciated--to be sure!
I am glad that you enjoyed my poem....that it reached you in such a special way! Thanks for sharing that with me :)
Thank you so much for such heartfelt comments!
I truly appreciate the time you took to visit, and for the time you took to read, and to leave your thoughts beneath my poem! ALL are appreciated--to be sure!
I am glad that you enjoyed my poem....that it reached you in such a special way! Thanks for sharing that with me :)
Re: The First Time
6th Feb 2014 00:12am
re: Re: The First Time
Jasper, my Friend,
Thank you ever so much for your gracious,up-lifting comments...i am inspired --indeed-- by your thoughtful words!
i am very happy to have you back in my realm! You are greatly appreciated! I am grateful that you are here to 'listen'...to what i wish to say.x
Thank you ever so much for your gracious,up-lifting comments...i am inspired --indeed-- by your thoughtful words!
i am very happy to have you back in my realm! You are greatly appreciated! I am grateful that you are here to 'listen'...to what i wish to say.x
Re: The First Time
6th Feb 2014 1:02am
Memories,awkward, nauseating embarrassment; takes me straight to my baby-sitter attack episode. No, I was the one on the receiving end. 0-o Hooked with all your writes Enchantress, simply because you can write extremely well. Sounds like an endorsement and some encouragement.. doesn't it? This poem is no exception. I'm also partial to your last stanza.
Jake
Jake
0
re: Re: The First Time
Jake,
LOL....the babysitter, no less! (HMmmmmm...you must have been quite the handsome rogue...in your 'youth'! :p (Hee! Hee! 'Seduced' by the 'older' woman!)
Thank you for taking the time to read this piece, and for your awesome comments! Both are so sincerely appreciated!!
Your words brought smiles! I am encouraged by your following.
Thank you, also, for the honor of the reading list recognition!
LOL....the babysitter, no less! (HMmmmmm...you must have been quite the handsome rogue...in your 'youth'! :p (Hee! Hee! 'Seduced' by the 'older' woman!)
Thank you for taking the time to read this piece, and for your awesome comments! Both are so sincerely appreciated!!
Your words brought smiles! I am encouraged by your following.
Thank you, also, for the honor of the reading list recognition!
Re: The First Time
6th Feb 2014 6:42pm
A Beautifully written piece sweet Sorceress!!
I adored the read!!
Great luck in the comp.!!
Sir Lancelott
I adored the read!!
Great luck in the comp.!!
Sir Lancelott
0
re: Re: The First Time
6th Feb 2014 6:57pm
Lancelot, my Knight,
My thanks to thee, for thy visit within in my realm, and for thy lovely words!
I am most grateful for thy loyalty--indeed! Tis gladness that thou hast brought into my heart....
My thanks to thee, for thy visit within in my realm, and for thy lovely words!
I am most grateful for thy loyalty--indeed! Tis gladness that thou hast brought into my heart....
Re: The First Time
12th Feb 2014 4:48am
The eloquent and descriptive beauty of your words tend to have me feeling as though I'm there, watching. Not sure how to explain this. As always your words are "enchanting" my dear. Apologies for the time taken to read you. I've been a little distracted. Thank you Enchantress.
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Re: The First Time
Anonymous
13th Feb 2014 11:59pm
<< post removed >>
Re: The First Time
17th Feb 2014 9:10pm
All excellent but the narrative and lyrical maturity of the last two verses are outstanding Enchantress
0
Re: The First Time
Anonymous
17th May 2014 6:02pm
There isn't anything I don't love about this poem. Great work! ^-^
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re: Re: The First Time
17th May 2014 7:57pm
Brittany,
Thank you so very much for stopping by, and for your lovely comments...they have warmed my heart--indeed! Coming from such an accomplished poet, i am so honored!
It is always a pleasure to have a new visitor within my realm! You will always be most welcome...anytime!
Sioch`ain leat, mo Chara nua!
Enchantress
Thank you so very much for stopping by, and for your lovely comments...they have warmed my heart--indeed! Coming from such an accomplished poet, i am so honored!
It is always a pleasure to have a new visitor within my realm! You will always be most welcome...anytime!
Sioch`ain leat, mo Chara nua!
Enchantress
Re: The First Time
25th Jan 2015 1:13pm
re: Re: The First Time
25th Jan 2015 10:47pm
Thank You ever sooo much, mo Chara!
I truly admire your your work, so i am, therefore, so surely honored by your visit, and your wonderful words of praise...they have touched me deeply! I am grateful!
I am sincerely glad that you were able to feel this piece!
I truly admire your your work, so i am, therefore, so surely honored by your visit, and your wonderful words of praise...they have touched me deeply! I am grateful!
I am sincerely glad that you were able to feel this piece!
Re. The First Time
Anonymous
17th Sep 2016 7:39pm
<< post removed >>
Re. The First Time
Anonymous
6th Apr 2017 3:25pm
My heart contorted with every
stanza or whatever they're called.
I feel this love . you write in a
piercing manner
stanza or whatever they're called.
I feel this love . you write in a
piercing manner
0
Re: Re. The First Time
Mo chara nua..... Thank you for your time spent reading, and for your very gracious comments, i am glad that my piece enabled you to experience the pain and awkwardness of young love. I truly appreciate that you placed me on your list of followed poets...honored and grateful!
( and yes, you are correct....various parts of poems are currently referred to as stanzas....[ verses is a term that was sometimes used in the past...but eventually became reserved for songs.] :)
( and yes, you are correct....various parts of poems are currently referred to as stanzas....[ verses is a term that was sometimes used in the past...but eventually became reserved for songs.] :)
Anonymous
- Edited 14th Oct 2018 4:47am
7th Sep 2017 9:51pm
<< post removed >>
Re: Re. The First Time
7th Sep 2017 10:48pm
O...many thanks to you, Daniella! I am truly honored by your gracious words! Indeed...we do grow, and learn--unfortunately, though, some of those lessons are the most difficult to learn! Thank you--as well-- for taking the time to journey into my realm! To be sure--it is always a very welcome pleasure to discover a new-comer, and know that you are always welcome to wander here! I will be finding my way into your world very soon! Sioch`ain leat, mo chara nua!
Anonymous
- Edited 14th Oct 2018 4:47am
7th Sep 2017 11:22pm
<< post removed >>
Re. The First Time
23rd Sep 2017 5:28pm
I really loved this and connected with it - I was such a nervous teen around the ladies - to be honest I was useless at all affairs of the heart - sometime I was sick with nerves and I lost count of the number of missed opportunities missed because I couldn't blurt the words out - eventually I was seduced by a woman that wasn't going to take no or maybe for an answer :-)
excellent write, you are such a good wordsmith :-)
excellent write, you are such a good wordsmith :-)
0
Re: Re. The First Time
23rd Sep 2017 6:30pm
Dear Friend...i am sorry to learn that you suffered the pains, and anxiety of teenage love! It can be so very confusing and frustrating! When i wrote this, i hoped that i would be able to convey those exact feelings, and by your comments, i realize that i was successful. My initial experiences with early teen relationships were quite awkward, and awful--as well! (lol) And, unfortunately..this piece is based on a true incident! Thank you for sharing your feelings on teen angst, and thank you--muchly--for taking the time to read this poem, and for leaving such inspiring compliments! You are so sincerely appreciated! Heart-felt hugs!