ALAS  (date unknown; Galveston Island, Texas)

                       
rain falls              
my softness              
swells              
as i recall              
the faintest              
feels              
tastes              
smells              
of my              
favorite              
temporary              
lovers              
such wonderfully              
blood stirring              
memories              
now somehow              
nostalgically              
so longingly              
daydreamingly              
drown out              
the rain              
as i savor              
and simmer              
in all              
the distantly              
recalled              
intoxicatingly heated              
blurs              
of our collective              
dances              
at least              
in my mind              
here again              
the warmth              
of our              
freely shared flesh              
the heat              
of our salty              
sweat              
and all our              
other              
turned on juices              
released              
from our              
turning              
burning bodies              
mutually  
caught up             
wholly lost  
in the sweet     
impassioned  
slowly building  
tantrically  
sustained  
inevitable  
near volcanic     
internal eruption     
ecstatic release      
of our fully  
shared surrender         
so deeply into      
each others      
all embracing                                    
all consuming  
all        
drinking deep  
with all our  
senses            
all we              
could keep              
of each others              
primal essence              
in those              
fiery              
fleeting moments              
gone              
which we gave              
each other              
in trying              
to find              
complete              
and feed              
some mutual  
insatiable             
innermost hunger              
of our other              
even deeper              
unknown needs              
beyond              
who we were              
more or less              
forced              
to be              
back then              
in our more              
hostile              
unaccepting              
much more dangerous              
world              
in our lives              
as queer              
gay men              
but now              
several decades later              
so much              
has changed              
in our world              
both for              
the better              
and for              
the worse            
so sadly            
so tragicallly             
for some              
in too many              
places still yet              
here              
in our              
nightmarishly              
still volatile world              
wherein              
i now here              
on this              
lazy              
relaxed              
rainy day              
can only              
reach back              
in my present              
horny state              
of mind              
and being                        
so longingly here              
in this              
my renegade                     
daydreams              
sufficiently swollen              
wonder              
alas              
though              
still              
at a loss              
finding only here            
now            
all these distant              
untouchable ghosts              
grown even more              
vague and              
faded                        
oer the                
surprisingly              
much too sudden              
lapse              
of all these              
slippery              
years              
now so long              
gone by              
with me              
here beneath              
all these              
cold  empty  wrinkled              
sheets              
and these restlessly              
rumpled              
covers              
vicariously              
daydreaming              
my innermost longing              
needs              
desires              
away            
once more again              
to try              
and mask              
to compensate              
to some              
small  vain              
degree              
at least              
the silent              
pain and              
emptiness              
of my realizing                  
in my              
present              
being here              
half              
a lifetime later
ago            
that here            
i am              
still yet              
all by myself              
alone again              
seemingly stuck              
perpetually              
lost              
left only              
with this              
ever diminishing              
lonesome              
ghost of hope              
still so desperately              
clinging on              
here in this              
precariously uncertain              
though just as              
horny as ever              
twilight time              
of my lifes              
now more              
quickly fading              
final years              
stubbornly lingering              
self reflective gloaming              
amidst this still              
mysterious              
ongoing              
dance of years              
all so ablur              
now            
oh so              
quickly flown              
slipped away              
far away              
oh so              
far away              
so fleetingly gone            
as even            
these open            
boundless            
grey skies            
above me            
here today            
with or without            
all this peaceful            
falling rain        
outside        
hypnotically        
pelting against        
my bedroom        
window        
where even        
the grey  rainy        
day out there        
just outside        
my window        
and the dreary        
rain cloud filled        
skies up above        
even here        
now        
still so steadily        
pelting down        
for hours        
and hours        
on end        
all seem        
to be            
mirroring me        
or at least        
in some other        
obliquely parallel        
way        
the rather        
atypical        
for me        
melancholic        
state        
of my own        
present minds        
inner mood        
and equally        
grey        
dreary emotions    
which occaisionally    
come and go    
seem today    
to have been      
at least    
somewhat triggered    
and subconsciously      
spawned    
to resurface    
here now    
this morning    
to a significantly    
large degree    
by all these    
ongoing hours    
of this peacefully    
hypnotic    
seemingly perpetual    
still steadily    
falling rain    
yet even when    
and whenever    
it has    
completely subsided    
and gone away    
all these nostalgic
sweet  raw  hot memories
distant  most intimately
recalled recollections     
are as vastly wide
and just as vicariously
alive here in me now
so many long gone by years later       
as is this still
simultaneously   
cold            
empty  hollow
gut punched feeling            
still presently            
occupying            
and filling            
to an unsettling            
degree            
my still lonesome
ever yet longing        
melancholic            
heart            
and            
soul